my issue is me

That is the problem.

Next Steps?

A few weeks ago I was imagining about getting a new lens and wondering which one would be my next. Broadly - macro or wide angle. Today I have the opportunity of getting a good deal but I am wondering if I really need a lens. I have lately been feeling that the quality of my photographs has been going down, and therefore my motivation too. So, will it really make any sense to spend money on more expensive gear? Or will a new toy help me get the drive to click more and better pictures. 

What is to be doing?! Your free advice is solicited. 

Fuchsiaa!

I got my first fuchsia wallet when I was in first year of college. It got stolen in third year, I think. I got my second fuchsia wallet a few months later, and I lost it in December last year. And now I have the thirrrd one! It's smaller than the last two, but it's FUCHSIA! :D

Bad self mode photo from the phone camera. But who cares! :D

Away From The Women's Coach

She was beginning to hate the man because he had been in that seat since she had walked in. The seat she felt illegitimate ownership of. Simply because she hates standing through her journey. Just then he got up. Her day's first analysis didn't go wrong, she thought. She had expected him to get off at Chhatarpur. He got up at the next station. The discount is allowed. A minute or so after settling in, she noticed that the station had passed but the man was still there. And he remained until one station before hers. He made her morning by being so nice without an iota of expression of that favour.

And while he comfortably hung around, she noticed a guy sitting opposite her. Disheveled, unkempt, at least three days of not having shaved, exhausted, barely managing to keep his eyes open. But rather attractive, she thought. The Umbro bag by his feet, the Adidas shoes, a smart fleece, and a pair of jeans that she knew only looked good from a distance, added to the good looks. She did not realise she had been staring at him until his eyes suddenly popped open and looked straight into hers. She looked on for that extra second and then shied away, knowing he was still looking. After glancing through in both directions, conveniently skipping him, she looked back towards him a second time. His eyes closed again. Her now usual morning tiredness made both their body languages fairly similar. She watched on, admiring the perfect nose, the beard that she knew must feel soft, and the sleepy demeanour which looked like it was much deserved. The next thing she knew, he again caught her looking at him. It was funny this time. She thought of passing a faint smile, but could sense that he won't react. He seemed dazed. She looked away. She did not want it to repeat a third time, but noticed from the corner of her eye that he was now looking at her. She also watched him watch her get up, pull on her bags, and walk out. She guessed that his eyes closed immediately after. And perhaps she's the only one still enjoying the moment.

Or maybe he's still thinking how her shirt did not match with her sweater. And she's thinking, "damn, just this one day!".

Small Joys

It is 10:28 pm. The agenda is to be in bed by 11:00 pm. I don't know what I want to write about. All I know is that the blog is in dire need of something happy. Or at least something that is not morose. 

I could write about how I recently noticed in a train that all women around me had abnormally large feet. I could also write about how I now figure that there are many technically under-25 but health-wise over 40 people around. Or about how I am mentally ageing at the same speed as my learning in this organisation is going. Or simply how papayas, not any people are my latest dependency in life. 

But happy. Happy! What is happiness, I wonder. 

Happiness is my slowly evolving silk collection.

Happiness is getting to Gurgaon every day in under an hour.

Happiness is finally being comfortable in formal clothes. 

Happiness is doing government relations 

Happiness is having ticked off ten out of my 25 things to do for the September year-end. And I might just manage to add two more to that list this month itself.

Happiness is having gone about a month without the knee brace. 

Happiness is having gone international with my photography.
Happiness is keyboard shortcuts.
Happiness is orange.

Happiness is being at home with family. 

Happiness is inside.

Happiness would also have been these fonts the way I like them and not the way Google likes them. 

Dated

Dates that have memories associated with them, irrespective of whether they were good or not, make me very uncomfortable these days. 

Maybe it's the age, or maybe it's just my circle, but everyone around seems to be struggling with a change within.   How reactions to things have changed, how feelings for people have changed, and how change has forced more change. 

I used to be the obsessive woman who remembered all dates related to all things insignificant. At some level I still do, which is why the struggle, I guess. But detachment exercises have been on for a while now. And I know the truth too. 

I think I am jealous of people who are managing to go through similar phases without being cynical. And there must be few things that make me feel as pathetic about myself as this thought does. 

On an unrelated note, I think I am going to make a short trip on one of the coming weekends. Not a exploring-new-places trip, but a I-have-money-to-blow trip to another metro just to meet friends. I told Dad to help me figure investment plans! 

---

You know of times when feelings are so incredibly strong that you are out of words. Even to write. 8th February brought some such feelings. I finally went for a concert of Ustad Zakir Hussain's. And it wasn't just him, Pandit Shiv Kumar Sharma was there too. It was thrilling and completely magical. It was also very cold and I wasn't appropriately dressed, but the sounds in that park that evening were unreal and nothing else mattered.. The moon gave the setting perfect company too. And as you may have guessed, it was one of the happiest moments ever. :D

#Bigballsofhappiness

The sun and the moon have begun to make me happier than they ever did.

The morning walk to the metro station, into the east, is as perfect as it can get. The sun in a perfect position, its rays and heat in perfect combination, and the greetings exchanged... perfect.

I know that my love for the Delhi sun might not last too long, but spring is too lovely to really even spare a thought for the ruthless summer.

The Romantic Life

So it rained in NCR today. Some people found the weather to be gloomy. But I loved it. It's the onset of winter!

Then later a different conversation started with a colleague about how picturesque the Pune campus was. And then the thought triggered. About how spending 13 years in the most awesome school, or graduating from the north campus of Delhi University, and living on a hilltop for two years seem oh-so-perfect in retrospect.*

To have had some really amazing men in your list of failed relationships, a very adventurous list of health-related experiences, and the whole process of getting to this 24-point-something moment in life has been very exciting.

I suddenly feel I have been living The Romantic Life all these years, and I am glad that it is a smile-inducing thought at the end of a very tiring day.

*Deleted a happy line about the present. You know which word to insert. :-/

Alive, Alive!

It's pressure like never before.

It's learning like never before.

The emotions front..

For a reason, for a reason, for a reason....

Reflections

Dreams come to you in sleep. Rather, when you stare wide into infinity. But the realisation of them takes time. It takes patience. It takes courage. It takes facing a whole lot of people who hate your guts. And it takes the kind of strength you didn't know you have.

It calls for smiling when you hate everything around you. It calls for waking up every morning in spite of thinking the previous night that you might just die in sleep. And you know what else? Knowing that it is just the beginning.

These are thoughts that I imagined about today a few months back. Now these words sound a little extreme to me, but I still want to register them for all those days that I spent struggling to stay above the line. I want to not forget the time when people made me abhor people, and the concepts of trust, expectations, and belief.

Surely this was also the time when some other people stood by. And that is why I say, 'my faith keeps me going'.

All Yours.

• A friend of 14 years is getting married.
• A friend with whom I once shared the concept of soulmate is getting married.
• A friend decided to get married but unfortunately the relationship ended right after she got engaged.
• A friend/classmate from a few years ago is also getting married.
• And so is another close friend.

It is not like I do not have friends who are already married. But they are all older than me. These are people my age. Women my age.

When I was younger, I used to think 24 is the perfect age for a girl like me to get married. These are all girls like me. But as you may have guessed, my thoughts have changed a tad bit. And I am under an unspoken pressure. Of a different kind.

First of all, today, I do not know a guy I would like to marry. I can force* myself to imagine maybe, but then I don't think he would be imagining as vividly as I would. Secondly, professionally, I am far from settled enough to think about getting married. And thirdly, unlike the situation that most of my female friends find themselves in, I have a strange pressure from extended family and relatives. Even from my dad. I am expected to be VP of an organisation or live & own property in Manhattan before I think about things like marriage. They get the idea from most of my female cousins. The average age at which they got married is 30. So in a way, maybe it's a good thing I am not dating anyone right now because if I went to my parents with the idea of a marriage, I would have to stamp the big L on my forehead myself.

Now, about my thoughts. You know that I want to be VP of an organisation by the time I am 30. There is no doubt about that. And I will get there. Almost beside the point. The point here is that I don't want to be single when that happens. Of course, going by how things move in life, I know I have no control over how life will unfold in the next six years. But this is my perfect world we are talking about tonight.

Some of you whom I may have befriended in the last 2-3 years may not know the romantic in me. You may have even heard me say that I am not romantic. I am aware of times I have said so on this blog too. There are many reasons, incidents, people that make me do that, but yes, I do not like admitting that I too imagine and visualise the perfect world. I may not fancy a typical knight in shining armour or a going-down-on-his-knees scene, or even a desi version of it, but let's just say there isn't no reason why I obsess about things like flowers so much. However, I am good with the pretence. Even that friend of 14 years believes I am more practical than anything else. Sometimes I wish at least there was someone who knew what I really thought. Although I guess that's asking for too much. And... I like being practical too. So what I really wish for is someone who knew when I like being romantic and when I like the practical me to take over.

And then there are these words that echo in my head everytime I let my mind drift in this direction. There was a man who was known to be extremely obnoxious by most people around him. I was one of them. But he had once said that as we grow older, our insecurities, skepticism, and things we are rigid about only increase. And that in turn is not a good thing for a woman who may have to 'adjust' to a lot of things when getting married. And as dry as that sounds to the rebels in us, I personally feel there's truth to it. What adds to my insecurities is the fact that I know as I am growing older, my cynicism and extreme opinions are going off limits. So while I do not want to get married tomorrow morning, I think I will have too much baggage to handle as years pass by. And Subhadip's 'selective progeria' never ceases to haunt every empty moment of my life.

For now, the good thing is that I already have a lot of wedding-y clothes. And I am ready to partayy!! :D

PS - If you are a guy freaking out because of these things that I am saying, I will let you stereotype the moment. But in case you want to date me, why don't you connect with me! :D

*Now you know I do not need to force myself. Some thoughts flow more smoothly because there is no sense to them.

25

I turned 24 today. It was the quietest birthday so far. It was slower than the 21st, which then seemed like the slowest it could get. I kept the tradition of crying in the 48-hour window before the birthday gets over. But it was birthday at home after three years, so I am not complaining.

This post, for a change, is not about what I did on my birthday. It is about the 25 things I want to do in the next one year. Let's begin!

1. Of course, get that job!

2. Get the knee fixed

3. Visit the Taj Mahal

4. Make one long trip to the Himalayas

5. Make another long trip to Rajasthan in the winters

6. Buy a car

7. Help Mom redo the house

8. Pick up a new hobby

9. Learn a new language, Spanish maybe

10. Catch one of Ustad Zakir Hussain's concerts

11. Find an occasion to wear that black dress

12. Burn up the past for good

13. Clear my debt

14. Actively participate in at least one initiative of Blank Noise's

15. Invest in silk, silver, and a lot of white! :D

16. Try quitting consumption of bread

17. Try about three different hairdos

18. Make the line clearer

19. Get a hot new frame for my spectacles too

20. Barring that dress, get rid of all black coloured things in my life

21. Cut down on unnecessary loyalties

22. Spend less time online

23. Start reading again

24. Take dance classes

25. Let it be.

This isn't very me. I do not generally like talking about the future like this. But I thought if there's so much that has been different this time, why not an uncharacteristic post! :-)

Randomised

In these days of bearing a dead mind, I recently spared a thought for the zillions thoughts I have expressed on this blog. How with each passing year they have probably matured. At least in my head they did. And how with each passing year, the devils started sticking closer to me and my mind.

I think it was the initial days of grad college when I pondered over the seven sins and thought to myself that I do not indulge in any of them. No, I was not arrogant back then. Today, what, 5-6 years down the line, I have experienced them all. To top it, I am cynical too. But what is troubling me tonight is the constant conflict that the mind has to fight because of the situations life throws at you. Here's a petty one for instance. Earlier I was more open about expressing myself here. Even the not-so-happy thoughts made it here. Some people say it isn't good to register unpleasant thoughts because not only does it invite unwanted sympathy, it also gives you the opportunity to go back to those thoughts on a later date when you don't need them. But my take on doing so in a public space is that while you do pen those thoughts, you word them carefully enough to even look at them positively on that later date that people are concerned about. My private blog is a good comparative study for me, personally. It is so dark that sometimes I dread re-reading any of the stuff there. At the same time, there are probably five times more depressing events/thoughts that I have written about here, and they are so much easier to handle today. Only because I have maintained enough caution to know that I am penning history publicly here. :)

However, from being a naive and trusting, silly girl, I have grown to be a cynical woman with twisted thoughts that I have no control over. These thoughts also let me be indifferent towards a lot of unbelievable crap that people often get me involved in. Involved in a way that they do not even care to realise. Or explain. And if not indifference, at least I do not let me lose my mind over people who should not matter. I used to say, 'it's all about people'. Maybe it is not. Told you, cynical.

These days I do not listen to music, I do not click pictures, I do not call friends, I don't really meet any of them either. Maybe it is because of employment blues. Or an overlap of those blues with a phase that begun the day I left Pune. I am yet to find out. Even whether that is a phase or a turn that goes one-way.

I feel I am more at peace today than I was in the past one year. Certainly doing better than the blunt knife of this past February. But I am worried this peace could be silence that is killing things inside me.

The knee! I saw a different doctor and the problem finally got diagnosed. Now the wait for it to heal begins. I don't know why they just don't put a cast instead of asking me to not use it 'much'. Pff!

Anyway. I need to go for physiotherapy tomorrow morning, so I shall wrap this here and go to sleep. I don't know if this post will make sense to me tomorrow, but what the heck, the point was to not refrain from writing this time. :-)

Good night.

Window View

While I lay sprawled on my bed with the laptop sitting in front, an unconscious gaze out the window with a half-drawn curtain made for the most beautiful moment of the day. I am not sure if that was for the previous day, or for the day that was to begin, but the 5:00 am moon with an orange hue was most mesmerising for sure.

Something similar to this, but a lot higher up in the sky...

PS - I am glad I did not choose to live in a golf course-view room even in the second year when there was a choice. The sun and moon taking turns to visit my door and window, both have been totally worth the two years in this room.

Personality Bites

This past year brought with it a new revelation. Something that has a strange paradox in the centre.
About eight years ago, somebody told me that I am a little too approachable. That people find it easy to come to me and speak their mind, and that isn't always a good thing because at times I end up getting hurt/offended in the process. I agreed, but did not know what to do to change things.
After all these years, I am standing at the other extreme end of approachability. My cynicism, insecurities, arrogance, and emotional baggage coupled with this thought at the back of my mind made me what I am today.
There were innumerable instances where directly or indirectly I was informed that people are 'scared' of me. And not in a very positive way. I like it if I think of it as something that makes people think twice before saying something to me. But then, if that's something that makes so many people have a negative perception of me, I am not too sure if it's such a great thing.
From where I stand today, my 23 years tell me that it's ok if this is the case. I've seen my mom be all that I am not anymore. It's sure brought her a lot of appreciation and love from people outside of her immediate circle, but then it has brought more hurt too. I like to believe that people who know me see the person that I am beyond this outer crust. If I need a life-changing, attitude-changing humbling experience to get out of this mode, I can't say. Or if this post becomes redundant by the time I am 30 or something, only time will tell.

Dormancy and the Dhol

The activity (or the lack of it) on this page over the last two months is making me feel like I have aged a little too much for the kind of time span we are talking about. Things might change once I get back to Pune, I don't know. Let's wait for that - just another three days. Maybe it's just this overwhelming pace of life that has kept me away from updating.

As of now, the latest and most interesting update is that my brother is now engaged. I have waited for this occasion for the longest time. I think I was 14 years old ever since I have been planning to look pretty on his wedding. Of course, the marriage changes the family's dynamics too, but that is still a couple of months away.

So I did the whole mehandi, earrings, and pretty clothes jazz over the past few days. I was even forced to buy gold-coloured shoes and wear make-up. Well, what I did to my face apparently does not qualify as make-up, but I think it was just about fine. Especially because it does something to my stomach just the way sequins do. And I swear I have seen enough shiny wedding-y clothes, shoes and bags which look good minus any sequins. Yes, fancy things are made for me too. :D

Apart from all that, I think there is a general issue with some 'nice' men. They don't seem to know how to handle women-related issues in their head. I won't generalise about the type (of men or situations), but everyone has some issue or the other. It's pretty incredible. I think credit also goes to women like me who always seem to attract the wrong kind of men (wrong for us, nice in general - yes, the corporate training also taught me how to be more politically correct).

On a lot more serious note, now I am pretty clear about the kind of job and the kind of organisation I want to join once I finish college. The million dollar question, however, remains that who is willing to hire me!

__

Trivia: Audioslave should feel happy to be owning my first ever cellphone ringtone in six years. That does not mean that I have stopped hating the concept of ringtones. Sometimes life's complusions are plain weird.

Trivia 2: 'Weird' and 'stuff' have been the two most controversial words - independently and together - of the past two months. The irony of it has also been factored in.

Trivia 3: Ranbir Kapoor in Rocket Singh is the hottest thing I have seen in the longest time! Totally reminds of the sardar I had a crush on in WWW! Completely adorable and handsome!!! :D

No Updates

The fall internship is due in a month's time. Somebody damn the systems (or the lack of them) because I still do not know where I will be going. And I am f r e a k i n g out! I know it is the beginning of the horror called final placements, but it kills. :-/

There isn't really much happening these days for me to update this space. Except that I have no money on my phone. Or no hot water in the shower. Or no peaceful sleep in the nights. Except that I suddenly lost weight and fell sick. Except that I never thought I was capable of choosing to paint over writing for a culture studies assignment. That I have not read the newspaper in more than a week.
But I have bought a hot cushion cover with lotsa colours in it. Fuchsia too. :D

But one of the many things that are on my mind is the Delhi Diwali air. I cannot wait for a whiff of that smell. I know there's a month left for this too and I'm probably living ahead of times (no pun intended) but I am excited about it. I am! See.. there still are things that excite me!

Last year, I was busy winding up assignments, celebrating an anniversary, and gearing up for my first tryst with an NGO.
The year before that, I was busy falling in love, and healthily losing weight. Mad CAT stuff was happening on top of it all.
And the year before that, Pa was going for a surgery, I broke my back, and I was at the threshold of some losses too.
The year before that? I only remember my rangoli. I make one every year. Bad back or not.. the floral rangoli has become a religion. I love doing it. Every single year.

Yes, all the girly stuff is very much there.

I think this is about it for now. I shall let you know the moment somebody decides to give me temporary employment.

Clairessence

I have a sensitive nose. Not just in terms of it being in pain even if you touch it, but also because of the fact that I have an extremely strong sense of smell. And that has two aspects to it.
1. I can smell things from a distance.
2. I associate people, places, and time with smell.

If you are close to me, I can even sense your moods according to the smell I get from you. Yes, I can smell beyond your litres full of perfume too.

I have fond memories of a lot of people defined by an unexplainable smell.

But then there are also moments when I am suddenly caught off-guard by a smell from the past. Then I don't know how to handle the reactions it tries to trigger. They are not necessarily happy or sad smells, I just know they're extremely strong and result in that gush of emotions that make me pine for all the things they represent (especially because I do not have most of them now).

It's a funny phenomenon, and I have still not got a complete hang of how it works. But I enjoy it in spite of the unsettling feelings attached with it.

Dhan Te Nan...

Somebody thinks that my blog has not seen a happy post in a while. And since I'm in a happy mood today, I shall give him something to be happy about. :-)

# This is not the right weather, I don't have my camera, but a trip to the Taj might work out this week. I am keeping my fingers crossed. After all, there should be some use of the holidays getting extended even further.

# I made up with a friend with whom things had been screwed for several days. Feels better.

# Things are looking happier on the family front too.

# I uploaded a few pictures from the school days to Facebook. Uff! Memories of the best days flowing through almost a 100+ comments.

# Of all the people who know that I cannot sing, Priyam has the worst impression of my talent. But recently her views changed a little when she heard me sing a Lata Mangeshkar number. :D Talk about taking up challenges!

# I watched Kaminey and quite liked it. I know Omkara and Maqbool were better, but this one was pretty incredible too!

# Of late I've been sleeping at least nine hours everyday. Advantages of being home! :-)

# I am also getting good food on demand. :D

# I am sleeping on my original bed.

# Oh, I totally forgot to mention! Sem II results came out last week. Yours truly cleared all papers, and her GPA rose by 0.2 over the previous semester. :D


These were my ten points. Give me at least three of your happy points when you leave a comment.

Much more than a 1000 words

I completed a year on this campus yesterday. I wanted to kinda celebrate, but actually ended up spending the evening alone in the city. The only thing celebratory about that was that I got a new plant. It's a croton this time. So I am hoping it would resist the dying business.

There are a lot of things that I'd like to write about wrt this past year, but another post for that.

For now, I am concentrating on this collage of a collage that I'm displaying here. Please excuse the bad pictures... the lighting was somehow too difficult. Anyway. The point here is that I got lots of pictures printed before coming from Delhi this time because I wanted to make my wall look pretty. It took more than a couple of days to get this thing done, but it's finally done. Actually, it's 98% done 'coz there's a bit left too... but I am sure I will complete that tomorrow.
This collage is making me so happy that I cannot stop smiling. It's one of the most perfect things ever. It has pictures of a lot of people with a lot of different kinds of smiles. Each of these pictures is significant in its own way. Each one has a story. I love each one. They're perfect. :-)

My friends seem to be happier than me about a certain development that has happened. I don't think I'm happy about it at all, but maybe it's good for me at some level.

People seem to like me when I am obsessive happy. I like myself like that too. It's niice. :D


PS - Special thanks to Priyam and Ridhima for helping me with the collage. :-)