The 12th State

My latest addition to the very slowly moving list of states that I've stepped foot in is Rajasthan. I know it is almost shocking that having lived in Delhi for the longest time I could never venture a couple of hundred kilometres into the west. But whadyaknow! It just happens sometimes.

Finally it was Ridhima's wedding that took me to Jaipur.

I was not sure whether I would get a chance to do this trip or not, but I was certainly going to try my best to make it happen. Especially given the fact that I missed two outstation weddings last year. But a week or so before the trip, I felt that I should really use the opportunity to explore the city too. So what if it didn't come close to my wish of one-long-trip-to-Rajasthan-in winters. At 45 degrees Celsius, this would have still been worth it!

Then began the drama of not having anyone willing to go with me a day or so in advance. And God, my family can really sing the It's Unsafe saga a million times for the 100 times that I express the thought of doing something alone. So finally I sulked for about four days, and only left on a Sunday morning for the Monday wedding.

We touched Jaipur in four speedy hours including a stop at McDonald's Manesar to take away some breakfast. And after a second delicious breakfast later at Hotel Teej, Priyam, Swetha and I headed out to Amber Fort. Swetha has visited the city a zillion times and was only being nice in the heat. Priyam and I were the excited first-timers. Plus we have experiences like Ellora Caves in the heat to not get discouraged by the blinding sun. Now, we did not realise that one could take a car all the way up to the Fort. So we asked our driver to wait in the parking lot and decided to walk up. As always, Swetha was leading the pack and Priyam was trying hard to keep up. In the middle, as always, I was oscillating between I-can-do-it and oh-my-breath!. On the way up we met some goats and ignored some shady men. There was also a local family laughing away at some people who were apparently clicking pictures of a 'nullah' which they obviously thought of as a pretty water body. And I would have made the same mistake given that the picture of a nullah in my mind is faaar dirtier than what we saw there. And technically, it wasn't even a nullah! It was just a dirty pond which wasn't really so dirty.

The Fort!

The road we could have taken to drive up

Beginning our walk up!

Swetha and Priyam suggested we take a guide to get a better feel of the place and I didn't mind the suggestion. Our guy (Damn, I've already forgotten the name! - some Mr. Sharma, I think.) was decent with the stories and wasn't too overbearing. We walked around enjoying the place, singing 'kehne ko jashn-e-bahara hai' not only because Priyam had a feeling that the place was Jodha-Akbar-ish but because the movie was actually shot there in parts.
And then we were facing the Sheesh Mahal! Remember I had mentioned in my last little travelogue that Sikri made me fall in love with it instantly and I wished that I too had a palace like that to live in? Well, Sheesh Mahal too instantly came in the same league, only I would still want to live at Sikri; at Sheesh Mahal, I want to get married! :D The place is perfect. The beauty, the dazzle, the mirrors - oh my god I could insert an html heart here!

My louley ladies!

After being contented looking at the little place, we moved on. Clicked a few more pictures, laughed a little more, wiped away some more perspiration and headed out straight to Hari Mahal Palace - the wedding destination! Oh, before getting into the car we had a glass each of awesome shikanji too! :D

Us, at Sheesh Mahal! :D

We were late for lunch but Ridhima's mom managed to get us some good food. Priyam and Swetha couldn't understand why of all the things I loved the rotis in the meal - they were just really really soft and perfect! We then moved upstairs to spend some time with the bride-to-be who was rehearsing for a dance performance with cousins and the groom-to-be. She soon left for the getting dressed process, and we came back to our hotel for the rest and refresh process.

We were not going to be late again and ended up being the first guests at the evening function. Even the photographer reached after we did. No complaints. We grabbed the best seats one could take after leaving some for immediate families. The Sagan and Chunni ceremonies went on smoothly. Ridhima looked beautiful. Priyam got expectedly sentimental. And I got unexpectedly sentimental. [The two of us also had a short, silent yet fun war for entirely different reasons.] While I still had tears in my eyes, the two Punjabi families began with the naach gaana. First we cheered along, and then we danced too. To be more precise, Priyam and I grooved along, and Swetha did some real dancing! Again, this was as per trend, nothing unusual.

Rested and Refreshed

Swethaaa!

We came back to our hotel around 1.30 a.m., I sent Avantika a scandalous SMS, we planned our next day, and then snored away.

The next morning was to come by too soon with alarms going off before 6.00 a.m. When my alarm rang, I decided to write it off and give my body  the rest it was asking for. But Swetha doesn't think like that. Alarm baj gaya, woh uth gayi! I could not be the bitch so early in the morning, so I dragged myself out of bed too. Of course, I was glad I did because I was the one who was most excited to see the Nahargarh Fort. I had even put a picture of the Fort in the PPT I sent to Priyam's official ID in the hope that she would get convinced to go to Jaipur a day in advance. :-| [Trivia: one of the best pictures that Google throws up of the Fort has been clicked by our very own Deepak Kumar].

We were going to stop by at Jal Mahal before heading to the Fort. We spent a few quiet moments of the relatively cooler morning there.

Jal Mahal's Sidekick as I like to call it

Priyam, Swetha, our driver, and our car in front of Jal Mahal

Then came the real bitch! No, wait. The drive was really nice. Our otherwise ordinary driver got an opportunity to show us that he can be good in the hills. The drive up reminded a little of Lavale. The view of the city as we moved up was incredible, the peacocks lining the street were a delight, and I could not wait for the sepia fort to open itself to my eyes.

Outside the closed Fort! :-|

Now the bitch! The official timings for opening of gates is 8.00 a.m. (I think that's also late) but nobody opens the darn place before 10.00 a.m! Who does that! In a city as hot as Jaipur! I have not heard of any other protected place waking up so fuckin' late! It was like a slap in the face for hoping that a Monday morning could be good. Hmph!!!
We could certainly not have waited that long. I wanted to kick those boys playing cricket there. Apparently Jaigarh Fort is no different. So we did not bother turning that way. And there we were - low on sleep with a ruined morning! And if only we knew that this was the case, we could have easily slept, gone there in the afternoon just like we did the previous day for Amber Fort, and happily attended the wedding too.
I have to admit that I was getting confused whether I was there to attend the wedding or to explore the city, but one has to agree that this was a huge waste given that it was the only day we had.

We got back to the hotel, again ate a lot at the amazingly yumm breakfast table, slept just a little bit, and headed out for Ridhima's Chooda ceremony. It was a first for all of us. But for Swetha it was an absolutely alien thing. So she enjoyed it the most.

As you may have guessed by now, we had no intentions of taking it easy on this trip. So after Chooda and lunch, we went to Johri Bazaar to shop for silver! :D Priyam bought a pair of earrings to ensure she enjoyed her Pirates of the Caribbean premiere more. Swetha bought something simple and elegant for work. And I was on a trip of my own! One for some occasion, one for formal wear, one for daily wear, one for the sis-in-law, I had obviously, I think expectedly, lost it! Without doubt I went over-budget. And to no surprise, I later showed the sis-in-law what I bought for her and then told her that I am keeping it! :P Arre, in the morning we had done some chappal shopping where I had bought a pair for her too!

Finally, the be all of life, potty, took over and we all just relaxed for the rest of the evening.

We were again the first guests. Now for the wedding....

Our driver had taken permit to stay in the city for two days. Now, those two days expired at midnight. We were obviously not going to leave the wedding just because he had to cross the border before that. So we made a few phone calls and managed to make arrangements to be late by an hour or so.  We were anyway not going to stay for the pheras because Swetha and Priyam had managed to get only one day off. But managing to catch the Jai Mala was going to be a challenge.

....the baraat was late. And that is when we finally got a chance to spend a few quality minutes with Ridhima. Alone. It was such a... feeling of having grown up! Memories of the hostel were coming back, the feeling of anticipation for the night and for her life ahead was around, and somewhere at the back of the mind was the thought about being in the same place as her in the (near) future.

We welcomed the baraat with the cousins and some other friends of Ridhima's but we knew that was it! We did not have time to eat, and we certainly did not have time to wait for the Jai Mala. We all hated it, but I think I was feeling worse because I knew I was personally not in a hurry. I had an off the following day. BUT! Time was ticking, and the next ten minutes were the funnest of the two days! We hurriedly walked out to our car, got the boot open, threw in our shoes and accessories, changed into chappals, pulled out our travel clothes, and rushed back in to the women's room. Some people noticed. Thankfully nobody came in to use the washroom while we were there. Some entangled sleeves of fancy clothes and hurried flushes later, we paced out. Apparently I looked the funniest with my oh-so-comfortable wraparound skirt/lungi.

Our driver sped. I watched packs of chips being passed by as we tried to reach the border within our time limit. I died of hunger until I found some saunf in my handbag. We also met a stupid traffic jam on NH8. And then I almost fought with some random guy on Twitter too. Bleh!

Our taxi bill was the thing that actually went over-budget. It was almost obscene. I was the last one to be dropped and reached home at 4.30 a.m. I don't think we had managed to cross the border even at 1.00 a.m. And I know nobody gave a damn about our permit. Sure we would have landed into some trouble if things had gone by the rule. But then, we did miss the dinner. Oh, I mean the Jai Mala. But no denying that we were there for Ridhima's wedding. There is photographic evidence.

Mehra-Taneja

The entry to the 12the state could not have been any better than this! I will of course go back to fulfill my wish of doing a long trip in Rajasthan in WINTERS!

The Low Notes

This past month was long. Longer than it ought to be. Longer than I liked it to be. And I am glad it is over. 

Some noteworthy things included:

# Three good Sundays with my camera doing some good work

# Ridhima's wedding in Jaipur

# My parents' 33rd wedding anniversary

# Bhaiya and Megha's 1st wedding anniversary

# Busy times in office including sacrificed Saturdays

# An unexpected raise in my salary

# A good grip on some unnecessary emotions

# Planning of a trip to Ladakh; even receiving a book (giiiift :D) on making that trip. I will know next week if I can make it or not this year.

# An increase in the number of text messages received 

# A much-loved increase in the number of personal emails received

# The mangoes and watermelons kind of indulgence

# A few funny movies

# Some additions to my silver collection

# A fairly strong knee

# A purely stress-led addition to weight

# Restarting with some fiction and reading two discouragingly average books :-/

And then the unpleasant stuff happened. It is funny how some things assume the power to wash away the feeling of happiness in life. 

This life, it has been tough. Testing as it may be, I am glad it has given the opportunity to learn so many lessons already. And forcefully humbling at every point. :)

It's Just A Scratch!

The shrewd
The cowards
The political
The manipulative
& the pretentious

I know not which are worst. But I have seen them all.

And with them, I have also seen the genuine. Thus, life moves on. 

Change of Plans

I have decided to buy the house before buying the car. 

The white dream!

About ten years ago I used to fantasize about the big red car. But everyone has a big red car now. And this one's the latest on my list of fancies. I'm guessing something better will come out by the time I am done buying the house, but if the succession was for tomorrow and day after, then my next weekend would be in this one! :D 

The Romantic Life

So it rained in NCR today. Some people found the weather to be gloomy. But I loved it. It's the onset of winter!

Then later a different conversation started with a colleague about how picturesque the Pune campus was. And then the thought triggered. About how spending 13 years in the most awesome school, or graduating from the north campus of Delhi University, and living on a hilltop for two years seem oh-so-perfect in retrospect.*

To have had some really amazing men in your list of failed relationships, a very adventurous list of health-related experiences, and the whole process of getting to this 24-point-something moment in life has been very exciting.

I suddenly feel I have been living The Romantic Life all these years, and I am glad that it is a smile-inducing thought at the end of a very tiring day.

*Deleted a happy line about the present. You know which word to insert. :-/

All Yours.

• A friend of 14 years is getting married.
• A friend with whom I once shared the concept of soulmate is getting married.
• A friend decided to get married but unfortunately the relationship ended right after she got engaged.
• A friend/classmate from a few years ago is also getting married.
• And so is another close friend.

It is not like I do not have friends who are already married. But they are all older than me. These are people my age. Women my age.

When I was younger, I used to think 24 is the perfect age for a girl like me to get married. These are all girls like me. But as you may have guessed, my thoughts have changed a tad bit. And I am under an unspoken pressure. Of a different kind.

First of all, today, I do not know a guy I would like to marry. I can force* myself to imagine maybe, but then I don't think he would be imagining as vividly as I would. Secondly, professionally, I am far from settled enough to think about getting married. And thirdly, unlike the situation that most of my female friends find themselves in, I have a strange pressure from extended family and relatives. Even from my dad. I am expected to be VP of an organisation or live & own property in Manhattan before I think about things like marriage. They get the idea from most of my female cousins. The average age at which they got married is 30. So in a way, maybe it's a good thing I am not dating anyone right now because if I went to my parents with the idea of a marriage, I would have to stamp the big L on my forehead myself.

Now, about my thoughts. You know that I want to be VP of an organisation by the time I am 30. There is no doubt about that. And I will get there. Almost beside the point. The point here is that I don't want to be single when that happens. Of course, going by how things move in life, I know I have no control over how life will unfold in the next six years. But this is my perfect world we are talking about tonight.

Some of you whom I may have befriended in the last 2-3 years may not know the romantic in me. You may have even heard me say that I am not romantic. I am aware of times I have said so on this blog too. There are many reasons, incidents, people that make me do that, but yes, I do not like admitting that I too imagine and visualise the perfect world. I may not fancy a typical knight in shining armour or a going-down-on-his-knees scene, or even a desi version of it, but let's just say there isn't no reason why I obsess about things like flowers so much. However, I am good with the pretence. Even that friend of 14 years believes I am more practical than anything else. Sometimes I wish at least there was someone who knew what I really thought. Although I guess that's asking for too much. And... I like being practical too. So what I really wish for is someone who knew when I like being romantic and when I like the practical me to take over.

And then there are these words that echo in my head everytime I let my mind drift in this direction. There was a man who was known to be extremely obnoxious by most people around him. I was one of them. But he had once said that as we grow older, our insecurities, skepticism, and things we are rigid about only increase. And that in turn is not a good thing for a woman who may have to 'adjust' to a lot of things when getting married. And as dry as that sounds to the rebels in us, I personally feel there's truth to it. What adds to my insecurities is the fact that I know as I am growing older, my cynicism and extreme opinions are going off limits. So while I do not want to get married tomorrow morning, I think I will have too much baggage to handle as years pass by. And Subhadip's 'selective progeria' never ceases to haunt every empty moment of my life.

For now, the good thing is that I already have a lot of wedding-y clothes. And I am ready to partayy!! :D

PS - If you are a guy freaking out because of these things that I am saying, I will let you stereotype the moment. But in case you want to date me, why don't you connect with me! :D

*Now you know I do not need to force myself. Some thoughts flow more smoothly because there is no sense to them.

Metamorphosis

This is about the last one year. The newness. The developments. The closures. The learning. The independence. The adaptations. A new me - with the old one.

I am a lot more independent today than I was a year ago. It may sound obvious, but I know of people who have not experienced this change.
I may not be as independent in thought yet, but surely am in action.

Whatever little independence in thought I have managed to attain is helping me be more objective about certain things too. I do remain highly opinionated, but managing to find a balance at some level and be objective when need to.

I have become a lot less expressive. I surprise myself with the kind of thoughts and emotions that I do not allow to surface any more, without any struggle. Yes, I still have issues – lots of them – and I do not claim to be in 100% control either. Yet, control over emotions – something that I have been struggling with all my life – seems to be coming by.

A corollary to the previous point is that some people find me too cold.

Although, I have completely lost control on my temper now.

I realised that you cannot derive any amount of strength from anywhere except from your family, and how important it is to know that things are right back home. There may be a lot of things that fuck your happiness, but nothing like the moments when you feel you should be with your folks. Similarly, when everything else seems to collapse, ONLY the family can lend the staff even from so far.

I can spot thin lines between me and myself, and between me and the world too. Therefore, I have begun to feel responsible for the ‘self’ in me. I can also clearly see how you can or cannot enter my zone irrespective of how much time you spend with me. And I know that now for somebody to see the inside of me, it will take a lot more because there really are that many more layers, and also because I am going to make it that much more difficult. It’s part natural and part effort.

Of course, I do lose sight of these things sometimes. Those are the moments of weakness. They end up lasting days at times, but I am good. Certainly better off at a relative level.

It is incredible how one person has managed to be a weakness ever since I have come to this campus! I have tried hard to change it, have given up at times, tried to accept it matter-of-factly, denied it, tried to maintain distance, and gone through a plethora of emotions about the same over time, but to no avail. I do not know why, but it does not change. Has always been complicated in my head. Obviously, I do not like it.

My conversations with god have reduced considerably. I almost feel something like guilt because of it, but it is not as if I am making an effort to change it. I think making the effort would completely defeat the purpose anyway, but still wish this had not happened.

Few discoveries about health were far from fun, but in general, I have been a lot healthier here (it’s a different matter that I have fever as I type this :P).

I started washing my clothes here. I often postpone the process, but I actually enjoy doing it. :-) Just as much as I hate doing dishes. I thought I hated cooking, but I hate doing dishes more. Which is why I now keep disposable plates in my room. Anything for staying away from the shitty work!

I started travelling! I write about that in great detail here, so shall not elaborate on this. I am just hoping that it continues in times to come.

A relationship I thought was perfect died in front of my eyes. I denied seeing it happen for long. I tried fixing it even when it was beyond repair. To my own surprise, my first emotion related to it was guilt. But to my further surprise, I was made to feel guilty too. I feel sad over the bitterness I developed. I seek closure even though I am no more in love.

I figured comfort zones make my life worthless. But I am in yet another comfort zone, it is again difficult to get out of it, and I am again beginning to feel sick about it all.

Resorting to mindless fun has become a very rare phenomenon now. I miss it. But I see no sense in it to actually do it - unless you're a Tarun or a Mansi because the foundation of my relationships with these people is mindlessness.

I developed a liking for The Financial Express. I think it's a darn good newspaper.

The B/C School stuff: We tend to believe that there isn't great learning here. But I think I do know more about marketing and management a lot more than I did last year. For that matter, I did not know jackshit about all this a year ago. Especially about my area of specialisation - public relations and corporate communication. The college surely leaves us yearning for more sense and knowledge, but I like to hope that common sense will give me the push that I will need in less than six months from now. I figure it works well in this industry.

I got to experience living in a village and a small city, both at the same time. It has been quite a change from my 21 years in a metro even though I do see a Fabindia and a Subway 20 kms from here. It still remains different. Especially the village. I must add here though that I never found it too irksome to not have immediate access to any of the facilities that I always took for granted. Here I need to take out two hours if I need to buy a pin, but somehow I made peace with that comfortably.
Clarification: What I mention on and off as pains are in that state of stubbornness where I hate settling for things that I do not like. It is not the time factor that I write about that time. :P

Ohh.. forgot to mention! I learned the art of sleeping in class here. I mean, it is incredible that I did not do it during my 'DU days', but do it here shamelessly. This is not the sleep where you are trying hard to stay awake or pretending to stay awake but dozing off. I am talking of the lectures where you close your notebook, take your glasses off, keep them on the side, and merrily sleep for 30-40 minutes in a 90-minute lecture. Please let me add that I do it a lot less than some of my friends here, but I do it nonetheless. :P

I have figured out a rough career plan for myself. With a plan B in place too. The details and nuances are not worked out, and I think I'd let that happen with time. Anyway time likes to fuck my plans and consequently my happiness all the time.
But if you must know, there's more of academics in future. :O


I think I can go on but I need to go back to a penalty assignment. A sadistic, senile man likes to torture my class. He says he is taking revenge on behalf of my favourite faculty from the previous two terms whom the rest of my batch gave a very tough time. Bunch of morons!

So, I shall take off now. Will be back soon. Tada! :-)

Secret Confessions

It was almost like a trip of a lifetime. Especially because I had not done anything remotely close to that ever before. And also because I am sure I will not be doing anything like that ever again. At least in the same circumstances.

Nothing about it was easy. Schedules, permissions, availabilities, time, money... nothing. With time I have come to realise that I am not just strong-willed, I am rigid. Once I decide that I want something, there are no two ways about it. So, since I had decided on that trip, I just had to make it. But don't get me wrong - it was not for my ego. It was only about the one thing that mattered to me at that point. The one person. The one relationship.

Friends on campus and friends from back home were a big support. The ones here on campus a tad bit more because I almost needed people to look me in the eye and tell me that I would be fine doing it. I needed to borrow the confidence to begin the first leg.

So I made a few bookings, Subhadip made some too, and I was ready to leave on a jet plane. Just that the plane was a couple of hundred kilometres away.

It was a Thursday evening when I was tossing between getting excited, being anxious, packing, and studying for a test. At 9:00 p.m. that night we received a mail saying that there won't be only one test the following morning. There would be two. That fucked my plans. It meant I needed to study a little more, take a cab a little late, hope to get a bus without any wait, and essentially keep running until I reached Mumbai airport.
I did study a little more. I wrote the tests like I had to catch a flight 'coz I literally had to catch a flight. Ended up overlooking a few questions in the process. Those were the easy questions from the economics section. Oh how I almost regretted that bit later!
My cab to the city was already waiting when I moved out of the academic block. So I ran (please note that every time I mention the words run/ran in this post, I imply their literal meaning.) to the hostel to pick my bag and get going.
It was around 1:05 p.m. when I reached Aundh to catch a bus to Mumbai. I was told to take a Borivali Shivneri which is the quickest bus to get to the airport. A Shivneri was expected at 1:15 p.m. My heart was pounding but I was happy to know that I will get the right bus in time. But that bus turned out to be heading towards Dadar. Wrong destination. So I waited more. And a little more. Some more. It was 2:25 p.m. My flight was at around 7 p.m. I was losing it. That's when a guy from Neeta Volvo approached me. It's this slow, popular, private bus service between Pune and Mumbai. Since I had no choice at that point, I bought a ticket and sat in his shuttle which would take me to the bus which would leave Pune at 2:50 p.m. At Wakad (on the outskirts of Pune), it was 3:00 p.m. already and there were no signs of the driver. I think I would have died of anxiety at that point. Right then the bus moved and I released a sigh of relief. But I did it too soon. A pit stop in just 25 minutes. Driver got off saying "15 minutes". 25 passed with no signs of the driver again. That's when a girl got off her seat, went to the driver's seat, and honked till the dead rose. The bus moved again. I could not rest again for the entire journey. I think I looked at my watch every 15 minutes. Even after entering Mumbai it was taking forever to reach the airport. Finally I was at Parla (Ville Parle) at 6:20 p.m. The girl who had honked earlier also got off with me. She turned out to be from a sister college. She was taking a flight to Ahmedabad at the same time as me. The airport was too close for an auto to agree to take us in, but it was the longest walk ever. So we both ran.
I did not have the time to look around and feel the place. My eyes were just searching for my flight on the information boards. It was delayed. I was not sure if that brought relief or further discomfort. But it certainly gave me time to grab my first bite of food for the day. I made a couple of relevant phone calls to update the respective people about my status. Then took out my laptop to get some work done since it was not a vacation I was going for. But I realised that all the running around had exhausted me more than I felt.
The flight was ready to take off. The crew demonstrated the customary safety module. It was the first time I heard about what to do if the plane crashed over water. I had been alone on planes before, but never at night, and never like that. 'Scared' would never describe how I felt. But since I was also tired, I slept for a while. Mumbai-Kolkata takes longer than Pune-Delhi, so I started feeling restless after the two hours that I was used to spending inside an aircraft.
We finally landed. Traffic in the city was bad, so Subhadip got a little stuck on the way. Anyway I am jinxed with the conveyor belts and luggage at airports. I always have to be the last one out. So I didn't have to wait for Subhadip too long.
The taxi ride was pretty long since the airport is kinda far from Howrah which is the area where he lives. I am forgetting the exact name of the locality. It was funny, but he showed me whatever little he could show me of Cal in the dark. That was followed by a comfortable home that I was given to rest for the night. It was already midnight by then. I had to leave his place by 5:20 a.m. the next morning for my train at 6:00 a.m. But I had to stay up a little longer to make sure I looked nicer for the person for whom I was doing all this. Could not have reached there looking like a mess. I had not found any time to do all that stuff earlier. So by the time I slept it was around 2 a.m.

Subhadip's mom was the sweetest person that morning to give me breakast WITH meetha at that unearthly hour. The taxi ride to the station was much shorter since we only had to cross the Howrah Bridge. THE bridge. I forgot to mention - it was awesome seeing all the movie stuff first hand. Everything from Mumbai taxis to the Howrah bridge. Everything! I now feel that I had a great time doing all that. But that time I was on a mission. So I was plain numb.
The train was on time. I had a window seat. Subhadip confirmed that I had decent people sitting next to me. I was fine. Atul, a friend of S's was also on the train. He was supposed to escort me to my final destination. A couple of SMSs and there he was with a big bouquet of red roses by my seat! It was the highest point of this trip. You have to be Subhadip or Atul or one of the strangers from that compartment of the train to know how wide a smile I had on my face. I really cannot express in words how happy it made me.
The train left the platform, and about 4.5-5 hours later, I was at Jamshedpur. My destination was a little too close from the station for me to be patient any longer. But I behaved myself, and sat in the auto that took us to XL.

I cannot be writing about the three days that I spent there. I don't think I want to. Yes, there is nothing of that I can share.

The train to Kolkata was also at 6:00 a.m. I again had a window seat. I watched him walk away.

I slept on the train, I slept in the taxi, I slept in the lounge at the airport, I slept on the delayed plane, and I slept in a friend's family's home. The next morning I slept on the Volvo from Mumbai. And then I slept through the seminar in college that day. The return journey was just as eventful (or uneventful) as the one while going to Jamshedpur. It didn't go as planned. I was on the streets of Mumbai at night not knowing what I should be doing next. I was on a bus which broke down in the middle of nowhere. I was unsure of things. I was exhaused like hell. And I was running even from the hostel gates to my bathroom to get the much needed bath and be in the auditorium for yet another mandatory seminar.
That week was the most eventful week of my life. Rivers, mountains, the sea, colour, emotions, questions, feelings, the movies, the nights, people, and me. It was overwhelming.

Yesterday I finally paid off the debt I was in for this trip that I made. It's a big relief. Especially because of the funny situation I am in now.

But I am so glad I made this trip. Like some wise people said... sometimes it's more about the journey than the destination. I feel sad that this is the case, because this is not what it was meant to be, but I can only count the things that are mine. Only mine.

3 Doors Down

Listen to this song.
I love this song.
It's an anthem now.
Add to the poetry.
Play it in a loop.

But you know what, it ends too.

And then it haunts.

Life in the sky

There it was. Alone. Shining.

There she was. Alone. Lying under the cloudy, starless sky.

The moon was still gibbous. But it shone like it was ready to take on the world.

And there were the clouds. The harmless, gray clouds. And the devilish, black ones too.

She felt like there was a corny movie playing in her head, but like most corny Bollywood movies, she was enjoying this one too. That, because she saw the moon and clouds playing her life in the sky. They came close, they moved away, they tried to hide it, they moved beside it as well. They let it shine alone, and the dark ones thought they’d take over as well. The moon kept moving steadily, the clouds were after all meant to wither away. It kept moving... until there seemed to be a clear, undefined patch lined up in its path. It asked the moon to decide how it wants to interpret it. Does it see the clear path? Or does it see the undefined patch? That’s when Robin called out.

I’m still fluctuating. But I am meant to move along, and I will.

The last 20 days!

A bus to Mumbai.
A flight to Kolkata.
A train to Jamshedpur.
A cab to Ajanta.
Favourite pizza at Domino's.
Rum and coke.
Red roses.
CorelDRAW.
Country profiling.
Farooq Sheikh.
Innumerable ads.
Gaenda phool.
Dev D.
Bonding.
Fights.
Elections.
Being broke.
Moods.
Washing clothes.
And a lot more...

It has been an extremely exciting month so far, and with each incident/experience... there are so many emotions I've gone through that the sense of being is beyond definition right now.

*all the sounds that I made in the last one minute*

The world of presentations is so much better than that of shitty classes and books. And I know how badly I needed a feel-good factor in life. Had three presentations to make today (thanks to which I could not work on a contest that I reeeaaaallly wanted to work on)... all three being very different from each other, and each one interesting enough for me. But to be appreciated by a faculty you like and to hear the words 'best presentation in the college in a long long time' is a crazy boost! Of course, it does help to have somebody on your team who speaks VERY well, and does so even better when he is less prepared. :P
And then it was not meant to end there. The hard-to-please (academically) faculty decides to wholeheartedly applaud for you and your team (a different one this time). And that is a different kind of a kick you get because he is never happy.
A shameful thing to find out at EOD is the attendance figure going up when no weightage is given to the numbers except for qualifying for semester exams. I sooo want to get out of this city. But with such a lot of evaluation work going on, that just closes at a crazy thought. Hmph!

Reality is a little too hard to accept sometimes. That sometimes happens to happen very often to me. But things become so strange after a point that they completely stop making sense. And then you wonder how it started and how the fuck can the same thing in life keep chewing your brain at intervals and constantly working on creating a hollow somewhere inside.

Entangled

I met Karan after three years yesterday. One person who has completely transformed over the years, but has retained the charm and sweetness. He was one of my bestest friends in school, but time and space never let us meet while we were both in the same part of the world. I shifted to Pune, and he came visiting his parents who live here. And so we met. It was my best day in this city. Or, the best day since I have moved, and the best in the 'city' anyway. We drove around the mad traffic-filled roads, walked in the persistent drizzle, and ate food that was not yellow. Talked about the Parsis and the several bakeries at MG Road, or a place called Dhole Patil Road which I need to visit soon (for food, of course), the good-looking Jats in Delhi, the awesome weather of Pune and the irresponsible society that we are among other things. I listened to radio after ages, and laughed at Sud for more reasons than one. A kid came selling flowers at a traffic signal and he bought some for me. That led to many many more people wanting to sell something or the other to him. One of them had a shady bike toy to sell. All the vehicles around us had people staring at us, and we could not stop laughing at the Harley Davidson which was too small for him.

While coming back, sitting in his car made me feel I was in Delhi. I felt as if I had spent a long day out with friends and now one of them was going to drop me back home. I did not want to come back to the hostel. Not because I don't like it, but because I suddenly realised that the life I have given up is very different from the one that I am living now. I wanted to go back. I know there will hardly be anyone there to spend time with, but all memories of all the times spent with different friends came rushing back. I have been struggling with them for more than 24 hours now. I can't even cry because I know there is no point in it. I want to, but not a single tear is willing to drop. I don't know since when I got so practical about emotions! Maybe I should be thankful that I got to talk to Avan and Sumi today. But like I was telling Avan, I need someone to pamper me. I want attention. Special attention. And I know I will get none of it here. It isn't just management training that I have come here for. Literal 'alone' is happening. I need a break. Yes, already!

My ray of hope is the 15th August break. It is at the risk of a warning letter for not being on campus on a mandatory attendance day, but I'd rather take that happily than not be home at that time. Nidhi called too. Got some family updates from her. And how I wish tomorrow wasn't a Sunday! I will be moving from campus to city for a seminar in the 7:00 a.m. bus, and my family will call me at lunch only to remind me that they are all together at home. I am glad Ma doesn't tell me what she's made for lunch/dinner when I ask her. It is nice to not know. Selfish reassurances!

Finding it hard to break this chain of thoughts...

PS - My complexion has changed beyond belief. It's almost I have moved to the south. It's the hills' sun - piercing and sharp. The tan is just too much! :-/

It's All New

Disconnected from the world. Feels a little strange. But there really is no time. I don't have time to miss home. It is strange. The weather is keeping me unbelievably happy. The breeze is a constant here. Rain, sun, cold... they all change. Breeze is supercool!

The faculty is much better than I expected it to be. The campus still has a lot of issues because it is still not complete. But it is nice to be out of the crib mode. AND! The concept of MBA=common sense is clear to me. There are people who have no common sense. They need to be taught all of it. Marketing is super-exciting. Other papers are all media-oriented so far. Still to be introduced to a lot of modules too. The research teacher is a scare crow. Purist to the T, but otherwise crazy. I am hoping the purist in him will keep me happy. I am living in a twin-sharing room alone. :D My roommate is still to arrive because of some dumb issues.

Have nice people around me. It's a big deal. City is far far FAR away. Today I had plans of catching the 5:30 bus to the city, but finally got hold of some free internet time, so gave the thought up. I guess the internet addict is still not dead. :P

Not getting time to click. It sucks! And anyway there is nothing except hills to click. I have already done that.

And it was research for a presentation tomorrow for which I had come online. Have already killed an hour. No idea where that went. So the thoughts are not flowing. Will try writing a bit next week.
Hope everyone is fine. :)

Wrote a little right after I came here...

July 4^th, 4:00 a.m.

An AC 2 compartment, soft lights, and comfortable bedding; still not out of the comfort zone supported by parents. Walk out and open the coach’s door to face darkness and heavy wind. It was almost ripping through me. And there was nothing that I could see. I was speeding through nothingness to a place I knew nothing about. It was like a drama unfolding in the head. The drama titled ‘life’.

July 5^th, 3:00 p.m.

The view from the corridor was splendid. I could not believe that this was going to be home. I was ‘in the hills’. Cool breeze present throughout the day and the clouds making for the loveliest canvas around.

The night told of the home thousands of miles away. Not because I sat alone to feel depressed over the change, but the view from the same end of the corridor had lights far far away. That is where civilisation must be, where people must live, where family must be. I was in a dark but scenic world.

July 6^th

From morning to evening, people talked about having a passion, having self-esteem, and working because you want to. I know I have come for all the three. And a little more. But it is more than education that I have come here for. It is more than a degree that I want from this place. I am going to work for it.

Somebody also made me applaud for my parents. I cried. I know that there is nobody in the world who can match up to their love for me, and to whatever they have done for me.

From the train

In the train


My room on Day 1

View from the end of my corridor

Don't ask why...

It is all a little too inconsequential but is still a little overpowering. Because when the poetry mode starts taking over, it almost acts as an indicator. An indicator that doesn't initiate any action, but more thinking. Not that then it means that it is of any help, but whatever.
I sit and give gyaan for hours, get questioned on how then I can't take care of my own mind, I laugh it off, and then next morning find myself in the dumps. Yes, the things that I am worrying about might turn my life around if they really happen. But there is an IF there. I hope it remains at that.
I give more gyaan after the thinking, and then turn to someone else to give me some of it too. It sounds bad when I call it gyaan. If I say it is help in getting a perspective and wiping the emotional sheet off, sounds better in my head.

There are two reasons why summers could pass as being better than winters for me. One of them is that the fan makes sure that the unnerving silence never takes over. Ever. But as I write, it somehow has. The song that I am addicted to is playing in my ears for about 30 minutes now. And these words are staring back. It is a strange kind of a silence. The one that transports you to another world. A world which is made of half numbness and half of I don't know what.
Not feeling physically well is not helping either. The bloody mind always does this - it won't work on the things that it needs to work on. But such thoughts never cease to bother. And why is this laptop's comma key placed in such a way that I reach it everytime my fingers go looking for the period?!
It doesn't end here. Now I have started bothering about the fact that I bother too much about everything. I don't want to. I really don't. And now when I have SO MUCH TO DO, dumb issues are getting developed to add to 'things to do'. For absolutely no reason at all. So there I go again!

+++

Cigarette smoke suffocates me. And not just my lungs. It suffocates my mind in a way that I can never describe. It pushes me into the 'shell' that I don't like going into. It's the people who call it a shell. I know it is the same state of half-numbness. Sumit's presence in my life has kept that shit thing away. I sometimes feel sad that a single person affects me and my life so much, but it does. And I have no qualms about admitting it. If I have made the choice of giving that level of importance to someone other than default family, then why not. It is all about people anyway.

Out of context from the original maybe, but...
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight,
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough...

No, there's no time to go on. It's slowing down. Need to get back to what actually needs time. I think it's just the new keypad that is making me type so much. I have even started a new diary. Not sure how long that will last, but for now it has an entry almost everyday. Anyway, thanks for listening. Later!

Life as on April 19, 2008

My latest status message on Facebook reads, 'Richa's love for herself is almost obscene :P'. I am smiling non-stop. No real reason as such, some silly stuff that made me happy. But really, I wonder if everyone is as self-obsessed as I am. Not just that. Happy and no regrets. No qualms about being touchy, impatient, confused, and needy. Can't find a word better than 'obscene'. :D Oh, I also left modesty far behind. Bitch I've become! But I take pride in that too. Tch tch. But indulgence is nice. I've never found anything wrong with it. Not just self-indulgence, but indulging in anything. It comes with its cons, but so does everything else. At least it is fun.

But another fact is that I know other people like me. And I love them! Emotions always running high, and almost out of control too. But maybe the out-of-control happiness makes up for the out-of-control fuck-ups too. We (or I) may wail and howl even when an ant dies, but the happy exciting times are equally action-packed. At times I do feel that exogenous variables should not affect my life so much, but I am not so full of myself either that I can satisfy all needs with the self. A world around me exists, because I believe in the literal meaning of 'theory of relativity'. Being detached from it will probably mean death.
Jayant recently left a comment here saying being crazy seems like an 'in' thing nowadays. Isn't that incredible? :) And people keep asking me if I have always been pagal and if I plan to remain pagal in future too. My answer's always in affirmative. Really, something inside me will be dead if I stop being crazy.
I still have a boring, serious, uninterested side to me too. Some people find that crazy too. Hee..
I don't.

I recently finished reading The Godfather. The book is still on my bed, and so I clicked some random shots around it. Somebody saw the recent images in my camera and said that I should post them all as 'confessions of a bored photographer'. Valid enough. my camera is permanently in the macro mode and I click everything from water bottles' rims to my specs' rims. From coins to notebooks. Everything!!
So here's something that I clicked today. And I am totally in the mood to relate to it too.

Godfather, God, Photography!

Flight

I shall live till the day I live.

Shady Happiness

I have been breaking into a song every couple of moments for the past few weeks now. Whatever a conversation may be about, I'd have an instant song ready to go with it. Of course, the sur-taal still choose to remain miles away from me, but thankfully words don't desert me now like they used to earlier. There was a long phase when I had completely stopped singing. Never even hummed along with a song. This was, of course, post the sabbatical from the stage (yea yea... I could sing once!). Anyway.
Coming back, the non-stop singing. From romantic to comic to corny... I sing them all. From the Dev Anand-Madhu Bala ones to Rakhi Sawant and the gang. Yes, the domain remains Hindi. Can rarely happen with English songs. Thoda haath tang hai, you see.
And if I think about it, the only reason I can associate with this behaviour is a happy state of mind. Sure I still crib and sulk. Small things never cease to bother me beyond belief either. But, I am happy. And I do not think I need to type out the reason.

Life's a funny game

Ordinary people, gray minds, dark nights.
Ordinary people, complex relationships, simple smiles.

Life's a funny game. A game where it counts to be a sport, and not to be competitive.

Of mood extremes and sanity

As the 20th days of the month, and of the new year rolls in, I realise for the nth time that my blog has not seen anything happy this year. Not that I have seen anything particularly happy myself, but this one's being tortured.

Aside: I am feeling that I'm being tortured too. I want to yell, and I want to write here that I got a frikkin 98.2 percentile in XAT but my goddamn favourite subject - yeah yeah MATHEMATICS - let me down one more time. I do not have an interview call from XLRI, and am not expecting anything from the other institute that I have applied to either! T says that at least I proved that I am smart. When asked, 'to whom?', he says, 'to yourself'. I think if I could shove this information down my readers' throats, I must have done it by now anyway. I did not need two years of MBA entrances to prove that to myself. Never mind, he was just being nice. It's only me who's losing it. Or maybe, I am imagining, this is the failure story of a star of 2030. When she'll be interviewed then, she will tell the world about it. Don't you think so too? All famous stars do have one such story behind them. :P

Coming back. Something happy. Flickr.com is keeping me happy. My increased activity and interaction there will tell that I am happy.
Ok happy is a difficult topic for today. Let's move to sanity. No prizes for guessing - my friends are keeping me sane. There are some asses who piss me off too, but right now we're focusing on happy friends. Here's one for example. My little bitch. :-)

She was in a pair of shorts with a strange print when I first met her eleven years ago. She did have the prettiest eyes though. She also helped me with my english speaking skills. You know, my personal Rapidex english speaking course. :D But she could not help me with handling water colours. I think she had a sadistic motive behind that. She wanted to tell her friends while watching Taare Zameen Par that I can't paint. That's the moment she schemed for. Now I know. But then she did teach me how to sit like a girl. Haan, I needed to be taught that. Having a brother at home never helps in such things, y'know. She tried teaching me integration (maths...ugh!) too. Ha! That ended at the word 'tried' only. But honestly, I am not so bad at maths. I am confident that I'll be able to teach my kid(s). It's just these stupid exams that fuck my happiness!

Ok let's not digress. Don't you wanna know what all I taught her? I taught her how to clean her glasses, and the need to keep them clean. That when I myself did not wear specs. Hmm. I also taught her how to say 'screw the world, I don't care' and mean it at the same time. Don't judge me - according to blogthings I am only 83% sensitive. Rest of the times I do let the world climb a pole. :D Another thing - she didn't know how to use public transport. Her mom trusted me with it, and that is how I managed permissions for us to go out. Oh, we both taught each other how to participate in a cold war too. It lasted a couple of months. It sucks, not advised for my readers.

Ohhh... one of the most important feats that is part of our friendship -- even though she is half, no 2/3rds of my weight, she used to carry me around as pillion on her bicycle. It was always scary, but a lot of fun! :-)

I think I can go on and on, but there is a lot of work that I need to complete before I go to sleep, so I shall stop here. I can only say that it has been incredible growing up with this beautiful woman. She's one of the most important loves of my life.
As always, she helped my mood right now too. Just shows that she does not even need to be physically present to be able to make me feel better. :-)

God bless her...

Wondering

Wondering why some things happen…
And some don’t.

Why some things happen when you don’t want them to happen…
And some don’t happen when you want them to happen.

Wondering...

Why god reverses roles between two people
without telling either why he’s doing it.

Wondering...

Why such a big deal is made out of success and failure
when they’re both part of the same life.

Wondering...

Why extremes exist.
Why everything can’t be neutral and in the middle.
Does that take colour out of life?
But do we really need the black extreme?

Do we need to get suicidal?
Do we need murder?
Do we need loneliness?

Or is it that...

There won’t be loneliness if there wasn’t happiness at some point of time?
There won’t be humanitarians if there weren’t murders and the like?

Wondering...

How come the grays are so vast
when black and white are like spots.

Wondering...

If it is just my perception
or people can relate to it.

Also wondering...

Why I care about what people think.

Then wondering...

Why I shouldn’t care about what people think
when I am part of people.

Wondering...

Why I don’t seem to have control
Why I think I am a control freak
And why control should be an important word.

Why I need to have control on desires.
Why I need to have control on emotions.
Why others seem to have a control over the sub conscious.

Wondering...

What are the drivers towards insanity.
Lack of control, you might want to say?

Wondering...

Why mechanisms can’t remain mechanical.
Why a cleaner also needs cleaning.
And why systems break down.

Wondering...

If simplicity is overrated.
If it is really hard to sustain it.