Pause

I don’t know what’s going on. Just the other day I was feeling completely tired of being on my own and all I wanted was company.

Today, I feel like I spend all my time either with people or thinking about people. 

Reality is, current affairs have completely taken over my life. It’s no joke that I borrowed the concept of ‘life admin’ and started an Excel workbook with that name. Every time I have a quiet moment I feel like I am missing something and go back to that workbook to find something that needs to be addressed. 

When I am not managing life admin, I am busy talking to family and friends about it. 

And when I am not doing any of the above, I am thinking ‘fat brides are ugly brides’. Am I doing anything about it? No. I just let pain continue to control my life.

I just completed a year in a foreign country and returned home to the old life. And I have been at a loss of words about how I feel. People have framed the question in various ways, but I don’t seem to have anything substantive to say. 

The life there? It was convenient and quiet. I liked that. I can never get used to cars honking. 

The people there? Some were warm, some I didn’t get along with, and some whose faces said they hated my presence. Many that I couldn’t relate to. Coming back to people who I can take at face value is comforting. And I don’t mind having that even if it seems boring to some.

What has come up in a few recent conversations is the idea of ‘suspended reality’. Admittedly, it is not mine, but it completely defines the past year for me. More so now that I have come back to the same house, same streets, same office, same routine, darn – even the same seat in office as I had earlier. It almost feels like I never left. So, the effort now is towards making sure I don’t lose the value add of the past year in the familiarity that surrounds me today. 

It’s hard to openly say that the primary reason why I uprooted myself ended up leading to no excitement for the most part. There are a number of factors that influenced that, but reality is that my first day back in the old world was the most interesting I’d had in a very long time. 

Yes, I know most things do not excite me anyway, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily need to feel like a drag. 

The wedding prep is getting tiring even before it’s really begun. I think there has just been too much time spent on thinking about things and I’m running out of steam now that it’s time to actually do it. I wish these decisions weren’t so hard to make. They shouldn’t be. 

In other news, the fiancé-husband made Feb 14th special for me while my letters to him got lost somewhere in the Atlantic.   

Indian Flavour in the Dunes

As summer was at its peak in the oil zone, life seemed to have slowed down quite a bit. There isn’t necessarily a correlation between the two, but both, the weather as well as other things in general are looking up now.

With that background in place, let me tell you a little about the new things that I have learned recently.

Hashkal! This is a word apparently only known to folks in Abu Dhabi. It’s Arabic, yes, but colloquial enough to not even have reached Dubai. Meaning? The India equivalent of – hold your breath – LS! Yes, the ‘term’ most recently heard in that obnoxious Delhi Girl video. All things down-market have a special word in all languages, isn’t it? I’m still laughing!

The Indian Lane! I was in a room full of Brits and conversations, as usual, were around cultural differences. One of the things that came up was driving etiquette. I obviously didn’t have much to say on this one. But one of the guys did get to explaining how the lane next to the fast lane is referred to as the Indian Lane here. The reason? People in India are taught to keep in the middle lane and even on a five-lane road, they drive at 50 kmph in the second fastest lane. And that same day I spotted two such cars on the road. Pff.

Madrasis! You think only north Indians are ignorant enough to call all south Indians that? FYI - my Pakistani driver folks also call them that. Yes, I am yet to meet a Tam buddy here. Till then, all of Kerala in the Gelf comes from Madras!

Aside: I made conversation with a taxi driver after quite a while today. Actually, he did all the talking. And gave me some really nice biscuits which had been gifted to him by a well-wisher. This is the second time I broke bread with a taxi driver. Last time, it was at Iftar time during Ramadan. The eccentric, talkative guy had refused to eat until I ate some of his super tasty food.

Filipino Delight! These guys are collectively the most pleasant community ever! They may look serious, distressed or even uninterested, but they’ll always be so polite and patient that there is no way on earth you can ignore them or their pleasantries. And now when I go out, I don't look for Indian faces around. (Abu Dhabi does give more choices than Dubai, for sure!) 

Prince Chocolate Biscuits! Yes, these deserve an exclamation mark too. Sure everyone has had good chocolate biscuits at some point in life, but you’ve got to try these (you’ll never have one) to know what I am talking about. Apparently, people who have grown up in this country have been indulging in these for years together. You can never get over them. So I know wherever in the world I go next, instead of importing original Maggi, I shall import these Prince biscuits! :D

Indulgence

A chocolate cake and a long, warm hug - indulgent wishes of the night.

The Outside Perspective

It’s the I-Day week. The tricolour is taking over people’s profile pictures on Facebook. Incidentally, this weekend I also complete six months living away from India. Under the myopic lens, I am glad I have the day off (Friday, the Middle East’s Sunday) or I know I would have cribbed to no end. But my end of day media consumption has triggered an emotion that I have been trying to communicate unsuccessfully since the pre-election days.

 This video on women’s safety in India got me thinking. I won’t go by the title on the page, but it drives home one point for me – that India is home and nothing should make one want to leave it for good. Yes, many people are more practical than that and leave for a more comfortable/peaceful/safer/saner/ life elsewhere. But I take comfort in the fact that I will return sooner than later. Because as hypocritical as we may be as a society, we have the liberty to raise our voice if we want to. There’s the freedom to call a spade a spade if you feel like it. A light exchange with friends led me to say yesterday that the Middle Eastern countries that are peaceful today are those that are politically correct. I don’t think I realized what I said until after I did. And as disheartening as it is to say this, I think we take for granted that being in India allows us to be who we are. I am not saying we don’t have laws that are irrelevant or enforcement agencies that are ineffective or SO MANY PEOPLE who are plain fucked up. But we have our freedom of speech and make no mistake that few things in the world are as repressive as not being allowed to express a thought.     

In the recent months, I have been torn between being tolerant and being impatient towards some of the things that our generation faces or resists in India. I sometimes feel we do not need to react to situations as wildly as we do – the Sachin-Sharapova episode (both sides of the argument) – and at times it’s as if our voices are getting lost in the oblivion – there are endless examples of this, aren’t there? But the reality is that sane voices of change exist and we’ll have to patiently and optimistically wait for a time when we evolve to be a better society. We are messed up as a country, but we have hope. Because we have a voice.

Here’s to a better 68 years, a better generation ahead!

Beloved Visitors

CheChe (coined in today's mint)

My first visitor here! While his trip itself was short, he made the initial days in the city tad easier. Sent me flowers, listened to my endless stories of being lost in the streets, encouraged me through every disastrous hour in the kitchen, gave me tips on navigating the supermarkets and helped through just about every challenge I faced!

While he was here, I got more love.

होंठ पे लिए हुए दिल की बात हम
जागते रहेंगे कितनी रात हम
मुख़्तसर सी बात है
तुम से प्यार है!

Then came Baij! His was a slightly unexpected visit but I was happy as ever to host someone here! I got to know him a little better, chatted at length about cultures and forced a free goody out of him! :D

I had started handing out invites to friends in India even before I had moved here. The first to pick one was none other than PK!

She made a long list of places she wanted to see and things she wanted to do. She talked about how she wanted to make good use of her time here and not be lazy. And she planned a little more. What we really did? Eat, drink and dance! Can one complain about that? No mister!

Latest on the list was my love, Ruhi! We met after over a year and made up for it all in the 24 hours we had together. We cooked, we shopped for food, cooked some more, bought some more food and then went crazy laughing thanks to a sugar rush at midnight!

We kept the ritual of having martinis together and shook on the latest travel-related pact!

Now, while I make a visit home, please get busy with your plan to visit me. 

Treats You Well?

Ranjan asked me this question a few days ago. I replied with an, “of course”. It later got me wondering if this is how petty our relationships can be. A reason for being with someone is whether or not they treat you well? I have had more than my share of jerks but something about this question felt odd. Okay, I won’t take for granted that we are exclusive. But I would definitely want to assume that the person would treat me well, and base my interest in or attraction towards him on something more. 

Just a week after this exchange, I was speaking with a friend who is not entirely happy in her relationship. A few minutes into the conversation, and I realised that he does not treat her well. Nowhere close. And then I wondered if I should appreciate what I have more than I do at the moment. 

Yes, he treats me with respect and love. He is thousands of miles away, but he makes every effort to keep me happy. His logical reasoning often supersedes my emotional waywardness, but I would like to believe that we behave like mature adults at the end of the day. And I am pretty certain I treat him well too. Let’s do a poll on that tonight. ;-)

He has brought some good changes with him. I hope we can continue to behave like grown-ups in future. 

Trivia from Abu Dhabi

It's not the largest or the roughest city, but it's my first real experience away from the comfort of family or friends, and I am trying every day to learn a little bit more - some discoveries, some accidents. 

1. We have no addresses here. If you're lucky you might have a PO box where you may be able to receive mail. Otherwise landmarks define your location. It took me a few days to figure why property listings had "view of landmark" as a feature.

2. It may be adjacent to the desert, but Abu Dhabi does have a winter of its own. I have experienced the chill even through a sweater.

3. An unmarried couple living together is illegal. And so is the prostitution that goes on outside Le Meridien every night. Yes, I was shocked to see it happening.

4. No surprises - a litre of oil is cheaper than a litre of water.

5. A stem of rose costs seven times more than one in Delhi. This, by far, has been the hardest to come to terms with.

Photo Courtesy - Nat Geo

6. Many expats who have been here long enough own private boats. You can see them parked outside their villas the way you’d see a good ol’ Santro in the neighbourhood. Funnily enough, banks provide Boat Finance options too if you’re eager to buy one without saving up any money.

7. Did you know, if you fall asleep in a cab, your driver can be pulled over and fined for up to AED 200? And to think that I sleep in the cab to work every morning!

8. My locally configured BlackBerry notifies me of all six prayer times through a day.

9. Sure there are a lot of Indians here, but seeing Marie Gold biscuits or Amul butter at the grocery store is a definite delight.

10. Camels participate in beauty pageants and have dedicated race tracks where robots ride the beauties which are too fast (and bumpy) for a human to do the honours.

Taxi Tales

Before moving to Abu Dhabi, I did not ponder much over how life would be here. I prepared only for a few basics such as carrying travel converters or having a clear opinion about Arvind Kejriwal’s impact on Indian politics. 

I did not think about not having anyone to talk to outside of office or the looming non-existent social life. And surprisingly, none of it bothers me. It did not even cross my mind until someone pointed it out. To be specific, until CG spotted a trend in my taxi tales. 

Our end of day catch-ups would often have a narration of an interesting exchange with the guys I depend on more than the security guards of my building. Here are a few highlights from the last two months.

Taxi Guy 1: Young Pakistani guy, bent on proving that my house is too far from my office. He named at least five localities that would have suited me better and how I should tell my employers to get it changed. He was kind enough to offer any help I needed and gave me his phone number and shift timings if I ever need him. 

Taxi Guy 2: Nepali guy who had worked in manufacturing units in Noida and Faridabad before moving here. I think, the conversation with him was after a few days of not speaking in Hindi. I loved how he judged me for being from South Delhi and showed off his knowledge of the city!

Taxi Guy 3: A middle-aged Pakistani man, he had a Hindi radio station on which started playing Rafi’s “chaand mera dil” soon after I climbed in. I love the song, and clearly he did too. We both started singing together. *yes, I feel safe enough to let loose here*. I enjoyed it – late evening, city lights and a connection from home. To my surprise, I complimented him. He obviously wasn’t expecting it, so just smiled. But the next moment, he took out a tape with a Pritam/Anu Malik collection and sang all the way till my destination. “Bheege hont tere” is not something I can sing with a stranger even in the safest zone.

Taxi Guy 4: After dinner with some colleagues, I got inquisitive questions from another Pakistani guy, this one with a heavy accent, about the people I was with, my family, my work, and so on. Here’s an excerpt:

Him: “Pati keedhar hai”

Me: “Pati nahi hai”

Him: “Wallah, phir keedhar hai”

Me: “Abhi nahi hai, shaadi nahi hui”

Him: “Eedhar kis ke saath rehti ho?”

Me: “Akele rehti hoon”

Him: “Parivar keedhar hai” 

Me: “Dilli mein”

To deviate his interest, I told him they were holidaying in the hills. But his deduction:

Him: “Wallah, tum to ameer ho! Idhar kya kar rahi ho? Koi mama/chacha/bhai nahi hai kya eedhar? Mera to mama ka ladka saath rehta hai. Saamne gali mein bhi ek bhai rehta hai! Tum akele kyun aayi eedhar?”

Me (now anxious and unsure about the rationale of my move): “Main chali jayungi kuch maheeno mein!!”

Taxi Guy 5: This Malayali guy was not comfortable with Hindi but insisted on talking in the language and telling me all about his romance with the wife. It was cute until he mentioned how she wanted to commit suicide because his parents wouldn’t approve of the marriage. And then how she and his children now live in Kerala to take care of old parents. But later he gave me tips on the best south Indian restaurants in Abu Dhabi and I discussed my only Kerala experience with him – Wayanad! 

Taxi Guy 6: This slightly scary old uncle with lots of surma judged me by the complexion of my skin. When he discovered that I was not from Pakistan, he talked of how South Indians have darker complexion. I tried to show off my knowledge of Punjab since his last name was Jalandhar but he took my case for associating it with ‘land’ as his name came from his grandfather’s. I do still wonder where his grandfather got it from. 

He then talked of Kashmir which made me uncomfortable because I could not decipher most of what he said in that serious tone. I then heard the word ‘aman’ and peacefully went to work. 

Taxi Guy 7: Without a doubt, this man loved Delhi more than I do! He had visited in 2012 and spoke of it as he had seen it only last week. He described his experience vividly and at length. At one point I noticed he was driving at 60 kmph (which is a rarity in this city where “please slow down, you are crossing the speed limit” is the most commonly heard phrase) because he was so lost in his story of the Delhi Metro. 

He was a sharp guy. Asked me all about my profession and then came up with an example to demonstrate his understanding of what I had explained to him. And then it got awkward because he was looking for a new job and there was no way I could have helped him.

Taxi Guy 8: “Khalifa Street, near Pizza Hut.” “After the Central Market?” “Erm, I don’t know, I am new here.” “That makes it the two of us!” “Oh! How long? I’ve been here a month.” “15 days today.” *Turns on Google Maps* 

And when I am not participating in any such conversations, I am cursing away in my quest to find a taxi!

Five Weeks...

...since the 'off load' joke was played on me at the Delhi airport before letting me board.

The new bank here gave me a free credit card. Two of them. My firsts. I thought I would not use them but I discovered that I cannot make online purchases with my debit card. So I was forced to use one today. I chose the gold one. Something about it was fancier even though its credit limit is lower.

Before this I never got a credit card because I neither trusted myself nor the banks. I am halfway down 27 and I know people start using these cards much sooner, but I think this is a good time. After all, the first purchase wasn’t a dress or a bag – it was registration for a colo(u)r run. I missed playing holi at home, but am hoping to compensate myself with this! Going beyond an endless search for a Chappan Bhog outlet that sold gujiya on holi!

Thoughts about the age and stage of life often cross my mind these days. Would I have been able to manage this independence responsibly 5-6 years ago? I doubt it. I would have confidently denied this fact then, but I know better now. Or so one always says about the past. 

You will have to take my word though when I will tell you that I know McDonald’s does not qualify for a meal even when you are starving, even though they call their food a ‘meal’. Was I this discerning earlier? Disagree.

In my personal life, I am again slipping. I am aware. But happiness clouds reason, doesn’t it? The reason which makes for ‘funny’ memes and corny posters. Like this.

I talk at length. I cry with ease. I save memorabilia. I depend. I am becoming who I chose to stop being long ago. 

He talks of children. 

I am scared to step out of my uncomfortable, dark world.

The career, which has led to all the newness is hitting a roadblock. A real one. One which will blow up soon. I can see it coming. I feel like my feet are freezing right when I should be warming up to run. Hoping a little. Denying a little.

On a different note, I never thought I could get to doing this myself.

Or live on my own by the sea and have dinners next to Burj Khalifa.

New Life

There is so much happening every moment of every day since the last few days that this is the best I can get to capturing everything.

Emotions so far:

• Anxiety

• Excitement

• Panic

• Worry

• Happiness

New nationalities I have interacted with:

• Emirati

• Chinese

• Filipino 

• Kiwi

• Aussie

• Malaysian

First time at groceries:

• Pulses

• Cooking oil

• Utensils

• Salt and spices

Other new things:

• Figuring out a new currency and an entire system around it

• Search for a house

• Not having a clue which direction to look in before crossing a road

• Attempts at making every office day dressy

• Efforts at viewing Pakistanis without any bias

• Did I mention cooking?

The good thing is that 9 out of 10 people here have gone through the above experience. 'New life' is such a loosely used phrase that I will never be able to explain what I am going through. But these people are truly making every first step of the new life as comforting as possible. 

And family, well, they are the pillars that keep me standing.

Farewells

More farewells

Packing up, getting stranded and flying on V Day

New extensions, temporary home, huge portions of food, and multiple time zones

Welcome flowers and pastry

Oh yes, I can do this too!

Client offices and views of the sea

Going old school

....as I begin a new chapter.

Choices

Some massive decisions are through. Probably the ones likely to have the biggest impact on my career. I hope I have not made a mistake. I wish I had a crystal ball that made things easier. Whoever said real life is easy! 

Today I broke a piece of my own heart. I never expected to face such a day.  

Packing my flimsy little world now.