Till the haze clears

Nobody likes to have an audience for failure. It is easier alone. But is it manageable alone?  

:-/

The friend who kept me warm
the sleep that kept me sane
they have started dating
and I am jealous.

Scrambled

The white car got scraped.

The leaves got wet in the rain.

The kathi roll had too much onion.

He lost yet another game of cards.

She bought her first non-leather bag in more than a decade.

The squirrel jumped over.

This time she cooked for her son.

We expected him to design it better.

It might explode within the next 10 years.

That's not the purple she likes.

Vague Thoughts

I can feel the pain.

And I can feel the comfort.

Obsession + obsession = madness.

So many things are overrated.

And you can't see the undervalued one.

It's a pity.

There are the shameless.

And there are the jealous.

There are who used to be.

And there are who will never be.

I can see the pain.

And I can see the discomfort.

Vague Thoughts Extended

Maybe it was the solar eclipse.

Maybe it's the thoughts.

Maybe it's the world.

Maybe it was you.

Maybe it's just me.

It's a Whirlpool

Vague fragments of thoughts, choking and sucking in.
There's a lot more beneath what is visible on the surface.

Undefined, indefinite thoughts.
It's fine if you cannot interpret either.

It's a weakness so strange,
It's a fragrance so complicated,
You will surely lose yourself in the maze.

Almost hysterical*

Did I ever write here about how well I manage to surprise myself?

I'm beyond surprised right now. My hunches, and the 'feeling's that I get about things, are so unbelievably true that I am completely out of words right now. Actually, I am laughing. I'm laughing! At myself, at people, the situations, the circumstances.... AND the things that I imagine followed up by a true, 100% reality of the same. It is just so incredible! The visions that I get come true. How can they come true? They're the most absurd (till the time they are only in my head) things on earth. These are thoughts that I do not even share with friends because I know I'm better off keeping them to myself. Then days/months/years pass.... and I see the same goddamn thing happening. In reality. My limited vocabulary will leave it at, "dude, this is crrazy!". I am struggling with words. And I am struggling with thoughts too.

Funny shit.

Now I know for sure why situations don't surprise me. Because at some level I pre-empt them. Almost always.

*Actually, far from hysteria. But incessant laughs come closest to that word, I think.

Peace is fragile

When you know that one of your biggest weaknesses is that it doesn't take anything for someone to influence you or even convince you for the smallest of things, it feels darn good to decide that you won't get influenced and stick to it till the very end.

____


Came across a few words today that I really liked: "Peace is fragile"

____

Need an envelope.

Secrets, Surprises and Expectations

The sea, the hills, and the big yellow taxi.

A canteen, downloads and a big mess.

West coast to east coast, and arguments about technicalities.

Resources, relations, and humans in the centre.

A big leap and questions galore...
Moving along with a future insecure...

A little too much

Hormones are out of control. Making things slightly difficult.

Same old

Someone is managing the balance for me. :-)
Some more of 'never expected it to happen' is happening. Part of it is nice and part of it is annoying. Moving along...

Lavale Times - Any Given Day

Jealous of a).
Insecure about b).
Irritated by c).

Happy to see the handful.
Time is flying as usual.

Rain and chill.
Rain and humidity.

iTunes and Skype are back,
And Akshay Kumar still rules.

Flickr might remain dead.
Branding will cause fire.

Diwali is pretty far.
2:00 p.m. is much closer.

Don't ask why and what.
I don't know the how either.

Lost in Analyses

The definition of independent. It can be quite subjective, isn't it? To a nation in '47, it was about not being ruled by foreigners. To a teenager, the almost virtual benefits that turning 18 bring. To someone who loves to drive, maybe a long, smooth drive alone. To a girl oppressed in an orthodox family, maybe an opportunity to study.
As far as I am concerned, my parents have done all that they can to make me qualify for the most common definition of an independent woman today. Barring a few restrictions on my outings, though! So that independence I take for granted. A natural phenomenon - simply because it was given to me on a platter.

A second concept - social constraints/ peer pressure. "I need to do this because without it I won't be respected/ accepted/ liked, etc." Innumerable debates are conducted on it everyday, so I will not go into any of that stuff. But again coming back to myself, I was brought up in such a way that I could handle the common issues of peer pressure. Never felt the need to smoke, to do well in class because others were doing it (personal pressure was enough), look good because other girls did, and so on.

But today, directly or indirectly, I face both these issues - whether or not to make an effort to be independent in a way that I perceive it. And that, because social constraints are one variable in the decisive equation. The society wants to mould me in a way that is probably not natural for me. And the issue is not fighting for my identity or anything on those lines. It is just a choice that I can make. The consequences - a) isolation, which will completely kill the reason for the original decision, or b) being someone I am not.
The first way will be a vicious cycle, whereas the second one will be a series of politically correct things. A scheme of things where I will have a minute degree of happiness because I will fit very well in the modern world. As an independent woman! But will my decisions remain independent if I fall for all this social drama?

I am getting sucked into this labyrinth of thoughts and words, and I am realising that each word that I am typing is shooting off a new series of thoughts. Also, I don't know why I am writing in such a complicated language.

Ok, let's try to simplify it.

# I be myself, make an independent decision, and not be accepted.

# I act taking in account the social constraints, so in a way my decision is not completely independent, but I end up being the independent woman. And also alone.


Oh, so either way I will be alone. Interesting!

If I take the first route, I know the end result for sure, so I can be carefree and really do what I like.
If I take the second route, I expect and expect and expect, hope for the best, and then realise that all of it really started off on wrong assumptions (:D missing some economics, I guess).

OK, after ALL this talk, this post is ending on a crappy note. As if this was all non-sense and as if there's nothing to life except one result. But believe me, I have some very sound logic behind these thoughts. Just can't go into it because I like to believe that I have graduated from a mad newbie blogger of summer '05 to this mad hopefully more mature one in the pseudo summer of '08.

Truly hoping later years are not as depressing as this post.


A confession: I enjoyed writing so much after a long time today. Helped me sort some things in my mind. And things clarified themselves during the process of writing. After really long did I just write without knowing what my next set of words are going to be. I love a clean white sheet of paper! Or in this case, clean white new space to type.

Life's a funny game

Ordinary people, gray minds, dark nights.
Ordinary people, complex relationships, simple smiles.

Life's a funny game. A game where it counts to be a sport, and not to be competitive.

Wondering

Wondering why some things happen…
And some don’t.

Why some things happen when you don’t want them to happen…
And some don’t happen when you want them to happen.

Wondering...

Why god reverses roles between two people
without telling either why he’s doing it.

Wondering...

Why such a big deal is made out of success and failure
when they’re both part of the same life.

Wondering...

Why extremes exist.
Why everything can’t be neutral and in the middle.
Does that take colour out of life?
But do we really need the black extreme?

Do we need to get suicidal?
Do we need murder?
Do we need loneliness?

Or is it that...

There won’t be loneliness if there wasn’t happiness at some point of time?
There won’t be humanitarians if there weren’t murders and the like?

Wondering...

How come the grays are so vast
when black and white are like spots.

Wondering...

If it is just my perception
or people can relate to it.

Also wondering...

Why I care about what people think.

Then wondering...

Why I shouldn’t care about what people think
when I am part of people.

Wondering...

Why I don’t seem to have control
Why I think I am a control freak
And why control should be an important word.

Why I need to have control on desires.
Why I need to have control on emotions.
Why others seem to have a control over the sub conscious.

Wondering...

What are the drivers towards insanity.
Lack of control, you might want to say?

Wondering...

Why mechanisms can’t remain mechanical.
Why a cleaner also needs cleaning.
And why systems break down.

Wondering...

If simplicity is overrated.
If it is really hard to sustain it.

Factual Bits

Some things are dying...
and some are coming to life...
but there is nothing extraordinary in my observation...
this is what life is.

And everything is timely...
It's time certain things died.
It's not the thought of their death that is disturbing,
but their presence that is.

New life is, as always, a little unbelievable...
taking its time to sink in...
with apprehensions galore,
but welcomed with open arms still.

The Web

The autumn web...
The thoughts' web...
The energy web...
Floyd's web...
The creepy CAT's web...

.....
.....

This is how I talk...

When the mind goes numb...
And the thoughts don't flow;

When people diasppear...
And you don't care;

When the new guy is a control freak...
And you wanna say - "you S O B!";

When people act stupid...
And you bear the brunt;

When a new challenge begins...
And I am all set!

HOPE Is The Word

There is another new beginning...
There is a restart of something old – in a new way...
And there will soon be another new too...

Days will be busier than ever. I hope I can handle it all.

Cigarette Smoke

When they're high, she feels vulnerable.

When she sees that colour, the dust sweeps away.

When she is quiet, she can feel it all.

When she gets that smell, she doesn't know how to react.

Will it ever go? I know it will...