Monday, July 13, 2009


This is about the last one year. The newness. The developments. The closures. The learning. The independence. The adaptations. A new me - with the old one.

I am a lot more independent today than I was a year ago. It may sound obvious, but I know of people who have not experienced this change.
I may not be as independent in thought yet, but surely am in action.

Whatever little independence in thought I have managed to attain is helping me be more objective about certain things too. I do remain highly opinionated, but managing to find a balance at some level and be objective when need to.

I have become a lot less expressive. I surprise myself with the kind of thoughts and emotions that I do not allow to surface any more, without any struggle. Yes, I still have issues – lots of them – and I do not claim to be in 100% control either. Yet, control over emotions – something that I have been struggling with all my life – seems to be coming by.

A corollary to the previous point is that some people find me too cold.

Although, I have completely lost control on my temper now.

I realised that you cannot derive any amount of strength from anywhere except from your family, and how important it is to know that things are right back home. There may be a lot of things that fuck your happiness, but nothing like the moments when you feel you should be with your folks. Similarly, when everything else seems to collapse, ONLY the family can lend the staff even from so far.

I can spot thin lines between me and myself, and between me and the world too. Therefore, I have begun to feel responsible for the ‘self’ in me. I can also clearly see how you can or cannot enter my zone irrespective of how much time you spend with me. And I know that now for somebody to see the inside of me, it will take a lot more because there really are that many more layers, and also because I am going to make it that much more difficult. It’s part natural and part effort.

Of course, I do lose sight of these things sometimes. Those are the moments of weakness. They end up lasting days at times, but I am good. Certainly better off at a relative level.

It is incredible how one person has managed to be a weakness ever since I have come to this campus! I have tried hard to change it, have given up at times, tried to accept it matter-of-factly, denied it, tried to maintain distance, and gone through a plethora of emotions about the same over time, but to no avail. I do not know why, but it does not change. Has always been complicated in my head. Obviously, I do not like it.

My conversations with god have reduced considerably. I almost feel something like guilt because of it, but it is not as if I am making an effort to change it. I think making the effort would completely defeat the purpose anyway, but still wish this had not happened.

Few discoveries about health were far from fun, but in general, I have been a lot healthier here (it’s a different matter that I have fever as I type this :P).

I started washing my clothes here. I often postpone the process, but I actually enjoy doing it. :-) Just as much as I hate doing dishes. I thought I hated cooking, but I hate doing dishes more. Which is why I now keep disposable plates in my room. Anything for staying away from the shitty work!

I started travelling! I write about that in great detail here, so shall not elaborate on this. I am just hoping that it continues in times to come.

A relationship I thought was perfect died in front of my eyes. I denied seeing it happen for long. I tried fixing it even when it was beyond repair. To my own surprise, my first emotion related to it was guilt. But to my further surprise, I was made to feel guilty too. I feel sad over the bitterness I developed. I seek closure even though I am no more in love.

I figured comfort zones make my life worthless. But I am in yet another comfort zone, it is again difficult to get out of it, and I am again beginning to feel sick about it all.

Resorting to mindless fun has become a very rare phenomenon now. I miss it. But I see no sense in it to actually do it - unless you're a Tarun or a Mansi because the foundation of my relationships with these people is mindlessness.

I developed a liking for The Financial Express. I think it's a darn good newspaper.

The B/C School stuff: We tend to believe that there isn't great learning here. But I think I do know more about marketing and management a lot more than I did last year. For that matter, I did not know jackshit about all this a year ago. Especially about my area of specialisation - public relations and corporate communication. The college surely leaves us yearning for more sense and knowledge, but I like to hope that common sense will give me the push that I will need in less than six months from now. I figure it works well in this industry.

I got to experience living in a village and a small city, both at the same time. It has been quite a change from my 21 years in a metro even though I do see a Fabindia and a Subway 20 kms from here. It still remains different. Especially the village. I must add here though that I never found it too irksome to not have immediate access to any of the facilities that I always took for granted. Here I need to take out two hours if I need to buy a pin, but somehow I made peace with that comfortably.
Clarification: What I mention on and off as pains are in that state of stubbornness where I hate settling for things that I do not like. It is not the time factor that I write about that time. :P

Ohh.. forgot to mention! I learned the art of sleeping in class here. I mean, it is incredible that I did not do it during my 'DU days', but do it here shamelessly. This is not the sleep where you are trying hard to stay awake or pretending to stay awake but dozing off. I am talking of the lectures where you close your notebook, take your glasses off, keep them on the side, and merrily sleep for 30-40 minutes in a 90-minute lecture. Please let me add that I do it a lot less than some of my friends here, but I do it nonetheless. :P

I have figured out a rough career plan for myself. With a plan B in place too. The details and nuances are not worked out, and I think I'd let that happen with time. Anyway time likes to fuck my plans and consequently my happiness all the time.
But if you must know, there's more of academics in future. :O

I think I can go on but I need to go back to a penalty assignment. A sadistic, senile man likes to torture my class. He says he is taking revenge on behalf of my favourite faculty from the previous two terms whom the rest of my batch gave a very tough time. Bunch of morons!

So, I shall take off now. Will be back soon. Tada! :-)


~ ॐ ~ said...

read this post again! it will help :)

aur pipeline clear kar!

RB said...

:) Thanks. A lot!

Working on the pipeline.

P. said...

Hey !!
Why do I have this feeling that the 'sleeping in class' comment has something to do with me !!!
Tell me Im wrong =p

RB said...

You could be part of the sample. :D

Me said...

I could see myself fighting the same in the class after 4 hours of precious's stilla fight the deny myself ..when i need it the most..
U write well..u make everything feel real as if m walking the path along with you..T'care :)

RB said...

Hehe.. right now you are denying and fighting it. Soon you will succumb to it too. :-)

Thanks for the compliment. :)
You take care too.