Buzzing

Not having enough work sucks. Always, always sucks! I am obviously bored.

On a floor that seats close to 80 people, I have a corner seat. Behind a pillar that doesn't let most people see me. In the last five quarters that I have spent here, this is my seventh seat. Yes, we don’t believe in staying put in one place. I don’t mind it. Neither the change, nor the seat. The change keeps things interesting, and the seat gives me privacy and space to be productive. It’s just that sometimes I lose out on conversations, but I don’t entirely mind that either.

I have a view of the building compound, the parking lot, the metro station, and the sunset from this seat. I also have a view of the concrete jungle if I turn around and look behind me.

I changed my hairstyle again. Rakesh saw it and said that the ‘reforms’ that the government has brought in are because of this change. Everybody laughed. We are funny like that. Rakesh’s positivity, intelligence, honesty, and kindness make him a very good boss. The only reason I might stay in this place longer than I plan to would be him.

As of now, I am a perfect case of limited means and endless desires. I want to buy a new lens, plan the next holiday, start identifying properties, and save money. Ideally I should only save because that is all that I can afford to do. I think I should gamble some money! :D

Even if you are practical and keep things real for yourself, a fool’s paradise can get the better of you.

A recent conversation with Saikat had me conclude that I am thankful that I am not a guy. Because I have no control over my mind and it’s easier to get away with that being a woman. It doesn't sound good, but it’s true. Think about all the assholes you know, and you will figure that I am right.

I am so utterly bored that I don’t just need some exciting work in office, I also need to shake things up outside of office. Maybe I should learn something new. But the slump in office is temporary and I do not know how to plan things around it. Bleh!

But because I have nothing to look forward to outside of office, I tend to not leave on time in the evenings. Yes, I have become one of those.

Thanks to all the restlessness of the past few weeks, I seem to want two contradictory things at the same time. One, I want to lie on grass in an open space and let the toxins flow out. Two, be surrounded by people I like in a crazy and loud place.

This inertia is killing me. Nothing seems to be moving. On any front! Ugh!   

Objectively?

I don't think some of the people who support UPA II understand that it is not CAG at fault. It is the media. People like Arnab Goswami should disappear one morning and we might have a slightly more sane country. Might.

Perspective Can Change

Perspective can change all of a sudden. So can feelings. 

There's Always a Reason!

There's a reason why I became a passive listener of music.
There's a reason why I had stopped watching Grey's Anatomy.
Why white is the brightest.
Why some kids are more needy than others.
Why I don't climb two steps at a time.
Why rains now are not as predictable as they used to be.
Why no sportsperson is successful without passion.
Why clipping my nails makes me feel stronger.
Why Indians are great at crisis management.
Why time or life never stop for anything.
Why we all hope against hope.
Why dog lovers would get along better with cat lovers.
Why Google is so powerful.
Why people say that it's lonely at the top.
Why a striped shirt with striped pants is just wrong!
Why I love the Blogger dashboard and the chairs in my office pantry alike.
Why most of us hate waiting, and yet keep waiting.
.....

There is always a reason. Whether we see it or not. Whether we acknowledge it or not. Whether it makes sense or not. Random, is just a convenient word.

By the book

Harshest on themselves.

Living It Up!

Ranjan is a different man on home ground. I had never seen that quiet side of him before.

I clubbed my drinks with a view of yellow lights over the water and got transported to another world.

Goa is not just about crazy parties and laid back cafes. It has some good restaurants with good food too. And kimchi salad.

I had decided long back that I would never live in a coastal city because I cannot deal with the humidity. But living by the beach doesn't seem like a bad idea now. I would just have to club my desire to go bald with the fact that a humid city can never let you have good hair days. 

The quality of sand does influence your beach experience to a great extent, but the sea's intensity totally has the power to make you forget about these petty things.

I am yet to manage that perfect photo of rain drops on glass with a hue of green in the backdrop. It just doesn't happen. 

The dogs in Benaulim gave my happiness an expression. 

There has been no beach trip where I have not carried my black Nike t-shirt. I have gathered a lot of sand with it. Letting go of it might be difficult.

Trust makes life comfortable. 

Meh

Some things, some thoughts, some feelings... are grossly overrated.

I went to Goa

I had a vague plan for this trip, and I didn't go by it at all.

Some things, some thoughts...

I rode pillion on a bike.

I let the wind make a mess of my hair.

I didn't mind the rain.

The green reminded of days when I used to obsess about the colour.

Pina coladas are not for me.

I listened to live music and one of the guys had a voice to die for!

Tequila always gets me swinging.

There is nothing fun about looking at endless options for meat and nothing vegetarian.

I met the sea. How do I describe my love for it? How!

Biking is a lot of fun!

JD still rocks. But I discovered Jim Beam (white) and it was bloody awesome too!

I noticed a lot of the popular Goa stuff I had seen/heard about in the past.

I barely clicked any photos.

I had a view of the sea from my balcony.

Over the years, Jamshedpur has managed to take a place in my life even though I have never lived there.

I had some god awesome long island iced tea!

The lights at River Front were fascinating.

While shaving my head has been on my mind for long, I decided I will certainly do it if I ever live in a coastal city.

I could not have had a better host than Ranjan. His pad is much better than most guys', he cooks well, and well, he went out of his way to make me comfortable. Got more than I could have asked for.  

I think I will go back. I would love to.

The Girl Everyone Knows

What’s your story, she asked.

Ordinariness is the story.

I expect the sun to shine every day.

I want a fit body, a dog, and a nice guy to live with. Not particularly in that order. Or maybe, yes.

I expect. I expect people to call. I expect people to take care of me. I expect friends to understand without me having to say anything. I expect close ones to feel my pain. And because I expect so much, I don’t expect anyone to do anything. Well, almost. I manage myself very well now. I am as independent as you can imagine.  

I lose myself every time a guy is nice to me. I scare people off with the cold look on my face.  

I fear being surrounded by shadows in the dark.

I rejoice at nothing. I thought about it. I am a happy person, albeit with some scars. But there is nothing that surprises me. There is nothing that I don’t expect. So there is nothing that I get delighted about.

I dance to the sound of the dhol. I pretend to dance to the sound of whoever is popular. I swing to trance depending on the amount of alcohol in my system. That is rare.

I get goose bumps when I listen to Shubha Mudgal sing, “hazaaron khwaishein aisi”. I get moved by the melancholic baritone. I used to listen to Jagjit Singh and Hariharan during my teenage.

I talk to dogs on the street. I smile at the moon. I beam at a full moon.

I have stood under the shower and cried. I have been on the bathroom floor imagining psychedelic colours in the water.

I don’t like strangers touching me. At the risk of touching them, I want to slap people who can’t respect others’ physical space. But I choose the next best alternative – the eyebrow! Works well on most occasions.

Not even beginning to talk about personal space here.

I say the gayatri mantra every morning when I step out of the house. As many times as it takes to not get irked by mails I don’t want to see, people honking, men peeing on the street. Peace.

I am extremely lazy when at home. I don’t even get up to pee if I don’t feel like getting out of bed. No gayatri mantra either.

I feel good when my leg doesn’t hurt while walking. I love running. I don’t run. I can’t run.

I love clear skies. Delhi almost never has a clear sky. Today it does. It is beautiful.

I am not a foodie. I am very happy with a good daal. But I love gorging on chaat and mithai. And I do need comfort food on bad days.

I am vegetarian because I can’t imagine eating an animal. But I love leather bags and shoes. Hypocritical much?

I wish to travel endlessly. But I do get tired after a few days away from home. I need that comfort to recharge.

I don’t like being in a comfort zone. I procrastinate.

Appreciation for my work gives me a high. Appreciation for work that I didn’t do makes me uncomfortable.

Liars infuriate me. I have managed to control my temper rather well in the past couple of years. Maybe it has something to do with coming back and staying with family.  

I love flowers. Colours make me happy. Rainbows are overrated. So are perfect features. Yes, talking about Aishwarya Rai and Katrina Kaif.

I get inspired easily. I lose interest easily.

I don’t dream for the fear of never realising the dreams. There is no bucket list. There is no end to the list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket.

I think I have practical, achievable goals in life.

My thing? Being confused. About everything in life. There is laughter in my head when someone says I have a clear mind.

I love easily. I trust easily. I step back before I start trusting anyone.

I like to learn my own lessons.

I have no memory left of the guy I thought I first loved. I am still in love with the first guy I truly loved.

I love the sea! It makes me extremely happy. Maybe that is what delights me. Yes, it does.

I don’t have money to make the down payment for a house I want to buy.

I get carried away. Very easily.

It's Your Birthday!

As you may have figured, it has been yet another weekend at home. In between all the work have been all these blog posts. And this weekend being the birthday weekend, I have one line of thought which is keeping me fairly occupied. So, here's some juice on the recent past. Tell me you relate to it. 

20 - Ooooh, I am done with college. I am the cool, young(est) employee at this fancy corporation! 

21 - Eh! Maybe I should get done with studies before I can not concentrate at all.

22 - Mixed feelings. Am I on the right track? I should have a plan. I should have a boyfriend. Hmm. 

23 - Ok, why is everybody getting married? Did I miss something? Gosh, where is my career headed. I need to start making money. Soon!

24 - I am going to turn 25 soon. Bloody hell!

25 - Single and independent! Eating, travelling and partying to my heart's content. I think the career is also on track now. Life's good. A nice guy around would be a bonus though, y'know!

26 - Eh. What is the big deal. I think I will do myself a favour by not going to work today. Who cares anyway.

:D

Hmph!

 I don't know what the issues and stakeholder perceptions are. I just know it's my birthday-related plans I am having to cancel. Blah!

Clearly I am not managing the blues well any more. 

Turning 26

This post is here not because I have some thoughts I want to register, but because I want to have some registered thoughts for this time. 

This year I am prepared for birthday blues. I think that's why I have been relatively more in control this time. Or am I speaking too soon? Will know in a few hours.

The past year has largely been about work. It has kept me stable and happy. No complaints on that front.

Also, there were some letters of regret. Too little too late, I would say. Add to that some disappointments which were no surprise. Some phone numbers I choose not to save. It manages my own expectations well and works out quite alright.

On the health front there is nothing that I have not said already. I only wish things were better. Sometimes I am thankful it is not worse, but that kind of optimism is too ideal to be real. It's stupid steroids I have to deal with! So, for me, the reality is seriously about bonus years after 40. The quarter life stories are rather invalid. 

My travels have been more satisfying than anything else. While I always wanted to travel a lot, I never really thought I would see so many places. I have been working on keeping myself happy. No compromises here. And I have been fairly successful. The two-part Big 25 celebrations started a series of some awesome trips in the past year. Looking forward to some more in the next year!

When I was about 16 years old, every time I thought about the future, I could visualise life till only about 26-27. It is nothing like I imagined it to be, but at least I had some vision. As of today, that vision is of a much shorter duration. I cannot picture anything beyond 32-33. Not that I need to, but that pitch dark channel can sometimes make one uncomfortable. No?

I am quite disliking this number, 26. I don't like the sound of it. It doesn't even add up to a number I would like. 25 was good. So let's do one thing. From this year on, let's drop the number game. A simple, "happy budday" will do. There's no need for the number. Except the title of this post, of course. Okay? Good.

Okay then. As I go on to gather some sand, some snow, some lenses, some love, some stamina, and some more money, you be good! I shall keep you updated on all of the above. :-)

P.S. - Please add, "fewer meds" to that list. And send me some real gifts this time.