I'm Tired

Expression. Inexpressive. Snap. Draw a line. Discomfort. Surrender. Hold on. Let go. Distance.

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One thing that I really appreciate about a lot of people around me is the fact that they appreciate my being honest with them. I realise that I end up being too blunt at times, but they understand. They're quite nice. :)
And people who don't know me find me to be the meanest thing around even when I do not intend to be mean. Prices.

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I think I will buy a macro lens soon. It's a superbly exciting thought. The exclamation mark-deserving thought. :D

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Four more exams to go. Lots of packing to do. Four big submissions to make. A trip to Chandigarh. And joining at work. I am hoping post the 20th of this month I will get to breathe a little.

Hold on tight. I won't let go.

And now the world does seem lonely...
I am not used to this quiet world anymore...
I am not looking forward to end of day anymore...

I hate this feeling...
I hate this change...

I don't like living alone anymore...

Just hold on tight. I won't let go.

Hold On

Someone’s past, someone else’s present. People are different but they are almost the same. Those tears mean the same, that hurt is the same; it’s the same old shit.
Things still hurt, people still exist; misunderstandings have no solutions it seems.

I know I am fine as soon as I start talking, but it all comes out when I start talking.
I still remember that last hug,
I still remember that last smile,
Just never knew they were the last.

I still live by that music,
I still live by those songs that are only in my head now,
Just never knew that they were the only ones.

I still care about you,
I still wanna know where you are,
Just don’t know whether you appreciate it anymore or not.

I still somewhere hope for things to get better,
I still someday want to meet you,
Just don’t know if it is all too unreal.

Today I don’t even know if you’ll understand that I am writing about you or not, but I would like you to know that I still think that you’re one of the nicest people I ever met.
I know where I want to see you one day, so don’t you ever give up on those dreams. Maybe you won’t see me then, but I’ll keep an eye.

I still care about your existence, you bugger!
Miss you...

...You tried to fill some emptiness

till all you had spilled over,

Now everything’s so far away

that you don’t know where you are.

When all that you wanted

and all that you had

don't seem so much

for you to hold on to

for you to belong to...

- Jet

A Diary Entry

The day has come when I have started longing for college. I long for those moments. Today, I got one of my last few shots at it. It’s literally a countdown now. Collected the admit card today, will write five exams over the next month. Five days. One week after the last exam, a lot of us are ‘joining’ another place. Felt weird talking about that today. Vidur has always been “I-don’t-know-what-I-am-doing-next” in the past three years. And really, he does not know even an hour before a movie timing whether he is going for it or not. And today he was telling me how he is going to be trading in commodities in the world market. Jay was talking about how he’s gonna have a tough time travelling in the city heat without any conveyance provided by his ‘employers’. Felt like a grown-up. And the first day of college has just passed by, hasn’t it?

“Oh, you’re talking about that guy from DPS Noida? What’s his name again?”

It’s been three years.

So, two friends’ birthdays fall in the coming week and there HAD to be fun. There was a surprise planned. Loads of surprise presents with a significant memory attached to each, surprise cakes, surprise entries by friends who weren’t supposed to be around....and a lot of FUN. Lots of genuine, warm, big hugs. Lot of happy smiley faces. Loads of laughter – laughter that must have made that not-nice Chinese restaurant people wonder who these maniacs are and will they ever order or not! There were the birthday songs, there were the routine jokes, there were Neha Steps. And the film was rolling. There I realised that I love being behind the camera just as much as being in front of it. And it is not easy coming in front once you take hold of the camera unless you go – “main bhiiiii” which is what I had to do today. And then too, it was just my profile for a tiny 5-second thing. Damn! But I have voice. All over the videos! :D

It turned out to be even more special for the birthday boy and the birthday girl who could not stop grinning. Even after everybody left for home. I guess those smiles are worth the sunburn that others got over the past few days looking for presents. Kudos to V and Ami for roaming the streets of Kamala Nagar the way they did!

Oh, one of the compliments that I can never get enough of is about the weight that I have lost. It’s always an incredible feeling when somebody notices and tells you the same. And when someone goes – “no really, you have lost lots and lots of weight”, even if it is not true, it feels awesome. You won’t know what I am talking about if you haven’t experienced it but you can share my joy if you wish to. :P

But then you come back home, switch the TV on and see prime time CNN IBN showing a story where the Sindhi panchayat in Bhopal has banned girls from using cellphones, wearing scarves and riding two-wheelers because one Sindhi girl married a Muslim man, and are left speechless for a moment and then on an abusing spree for the next fifteen minutes. Following that you see their viewer feedback poll divided at almost 50% each for a YES and NO to the question – is this moral policing?. And then you really do not know what to think. Half the nation! You could curse a Bajrang Dal or an RSS but half the people of the country? Ok, half the respondents but even then isn’t it shocking enough? It saddens me.

I come back to my room. The PC is still on. I had watched Snippets - a documentary on college by two girls of the other economics section of my batch - a while back. That probably was the motivation for the opening paragraph of this entry. Again, you might not understand the impact that it had if you have not seen it but it is as if the moments and thoughts of the last three years have been put together in those twenty minutes. It’s an incredible piece of work!

There is stuff to write about one of my obsessions but I am thinking I’ll give it another post. Till then, bbye!
:-)

God, I'm Rich!

There are always some people around you who’ve been sent to make you smile. They’re around when you need to be told that everything’s not all bad. There are girls to sit with you and abuse all the men in your life with you. When you yell, they are nearly mute to balance it. You’re lucky when you have friends who know that you don’t want to be left alone when you say so. The days when you don’t feel strong and are struggling, they’ll see through you and will just ask you to cut the crap ‘coz they “can feel the undercurrent”. They can understand the expression in the eyes when you are speechless. One will hold your hand, the other will hold you. Someone may just keep his hand on your shoulder and you know that they’re all real.
I have more than one of these.

Ruhi is always physically around so I don’t have to make as much effort to say things. She can see me. She knows when I need a dose of my own philosophies. She has taught me what being thankful for what you have is about. God knows what I’ll do when she moves away!

Mithu makes me laugh. When I’m low, she’ll have cheap jokes and when I’m drunk, she has more of those. With her I am permanently 10 years old. Her boyfriend calls me her muah muah girlfriend because both of us always have truck-loads of kisses for each other. This baby is really precious.

Tarun is not just academically smart. His analytical mind analyses my mind quite well. He listens. He remains calm when I’m going mad. He encourages when I’m in self-doubt. He mostly laughs at me than with me but with him, I enjoy even that. I pray that he gets to go away ‘coz he deserves every bit of it but damn, I’ll be minus numerous sarcasms. That sounds too dull to be true.

Neha = Strength. Strength of character, strength to be herself, strength to face challenges, strength to strengthen her faith by the day! This love-abundant girl has touched my life more deeply than maybe even I’m aware of.

Parul, I know, will never fail me. I know judging people well is not one of my virtues but I know about her. I know her. She’s modern and trendy on the outside, and a soft & simple girl inside! Full of energy and always ready with advice on the most random issues in the world, she’s also my gossip partner.

And then there are those who’re either not as close as them or those with whom I’m not as close anymore but they have made a difference in my life. Yoda imparts wisdom and patience while Chhotu always shows me that nothing’s worth fretting much about.
Karan was a good friend and he still tells his friends that I was his best friend in school. This guy has changed an unbelievable amount in the last 2 years. Was sweet but dumb then; is sweet and sensible now. He wonders how “nice girls” like me end up with wrong men. :)
Rohit and Sayani Di stood by me when it mattered. Both are powerhouses of energy and I loved every day of being with them.
Rucha, Sri, Varun and Poonam are busy with their lives today and I hardly see them but they’ve all been great friends! I’ve killed a hell lot of time with each one of them. Hope they’re all happy...


I know I’ve done similar posts earlier as well. But how do I care about that?! I am counting my blessings. I’d sworn I’d not name any close people on my blog but what the heck! My bond with them is strong enough to not get affected by dumb superstitions.

There's a relationship that I have built with each one of them. With some, it's not the same anymore but I'm happy about having had them around at some point in time in life. It is humbling to have such great people sticking by you through thick and thin. They make up for all those wrong people I meet.

I had tears in my eyes when I started writing. Just the thought of them all together is overwhelming. They're important. God bless them all!