It's a Whirlpool

Vague fragments of thoughts, choking and sucking in.
There's a lot more beneath what is visible on the surface.

Undefined, indefinite thoughts.
It's fine if you cannot interpret either.

It's a weakness so strange,
It's a fragrance so complicated,
You will surely lose yourself in the maze.

They Wanted Me!

I got over with my summer internship exactly two weeks back. And it's time to give preferences for the internship in fall already. This one is going to be the most crucial of them all. So while doing my research, I came across Canon's internship programme. And I swear they wanted me this past summer!! They accept profiles that are Just Like Mine!!! And they offer things that I Just So Want!!! I sooo hate my director for this. I will hold this against him for the rest of my life. I know I don't need reasons for anything against him, but if ever the concept of a dream company held true for me, it was for this internship that I cannot have. It's supposed to be a 10-week thing during summers in the US. Ruhi suggests I should do it next summer irrespective of everything else. I am even considering the option. The least I can do is write to them and ask if they would want me then.
Don't worry, it's not like I would take up the internship instead of a job, but would surely hope to have some sort of circumstances that would allow me this opportunity. Damn, I cannot express how much of a loss this feels like!

Secret Confessions

It was almost like a trip of a lifetime. Especially because I had not done anything remotely close to that ever before. And also because I am sure I will not be doing anything like that ever again. At least in the same circumstances.

Nothing about it was easy. Schedules, permissions, availabilities, time, money... nothing. With time I have come to realise that I am not just strong-willed, I am rigid. Once I decide that I want something, there are no two ways about it. So, since I had decided on that trip, I just had to make it. But don't get me wrong - it was not for my ego. It was only about the one thing that mattered to me at that point. The one person. The one relationship.

Friends on campus and friends from back home were a big support. The ones here on campus a tad bit more because I almost needed people to look me in the eye and tell me that I would be fine doing it. I needed to borrow the confidence to begin the first leg.

So I made a few bookings, Subhadip made some too, and I was ready to leave on a jet plane. Just that the plane was a couple of hundred kilometres away.

It was a Thursday evening when I was tossing between getting excited, being anxious, packing, and studying for a test. At 9:00 p.m. that night we received a mail saying that there won't be only one test the following morning. There would be two. That fucked my plans. It meant I needed to study a little more, take a cab a little late, hope to get a bus without any wait, and essentially keep running until I reached Mumbai airport.
I did study a little more. I wrote the tests like I had to catch a flight 'coz I literally had to catch a flight. Ended up overlooking a few questions in the process. Those were the easy questions from the economics section. Oh how I almost regretted that bit later!
My cab to the city was already waiting when I moved out of the academic block. So I ran (please note that every time I mention the words run/ran in this post, I imply their literal meaning.) to the hostel to pick my bag and get going.
It was around 1:05 p.m. when I reached Aundh to catch a bus to Mumbai. I was told to take a Borivali Shivneri which is the quickest bus to get to the airport. A Shivneri was expected at 1:15 p.m. My heart was pounding but I was happy to know that I will get the right bus in time. But that bus turned out to be heading towards Dadar. Wrong destination. So I waited more. And a little more. Some more. It was 2:25 p.m. My flight was at around 7 p.m. I was losing it. That's when a guy from Neeta Volvo approached me. It's this slow, popular, private bus service between Pune and Mumbai. Since I had no choice at that point, I bought a ticket and sat in his shuttle which would take me to the bus which would leave Pune at 2:50 p.m. At Wakad (on the outskirts of Pune), it was 3:00 p.m. already and there were no signs of the driver. I think I would have died of anxiety at that point. Right then the bus moved and I released a sigh of relief. But I did it too soon. A pit stop in just 25 minutes. Driver got off saying "15 minutes". 25 passed with no signs of the driver again. That's when a girl got off her seat, went to the driver's seat, and honked till the dead rose. The bus moved again. I could not rest again for the entire journey. I think I looked at my watch every 15 minutes. Even after entering Mumbai it was taking forever to reach the airport. Finally I was at Parla (Ville Parle) at 6:20 p.m. The girl who had honked earlier also got off with me. She turned out to be from a sister college. She was taking a flight to Ahmedabad at the same time as me. The airport was too close for an auto to agree to take us in, but it was the longest walk ever. So we both ran.
I did not have the time to look around and feel the place. My eyes were just searching for my flight on the information boards. It was delayed. I was not sure if that brought relief or further discomfort. But it certainly gave me time to grab my first bite of food for the day. I made a couple of relevant phone calls to update the respective people about my status. Then took out my laptop to get some work done since it was not a vacation I was going for. But I realised that all the running around had exhausted me more than I felt.
The flight was ready to take off. The crew demonstrated the customary safety module. It was the first time I heard about what to do if the plane crashed over water. I had been alone on planes before, but never at night, and never like that. 'Scared' would never describe how I felt. But since I was also tired, I slept for a while. Mumbai-Kolkata takes longer than Pune-Delhi, so I started feeling restless after the two hours that I was used to spending inside an aircraft.
We finally landed. Traffic in the city was bad, so Subhadip got a little stuck on the way. Anyway I am jinxed with the conveyor belts and luggage at airports. I always have to be the last one out. So I didn't have to wait for Subhadip too long.
The taxi ride was pretty long since the airport is kinda far from Howrah which is the area where he lives. I am forgetting the exact name of the locality. It was funny, but he showed me whatever little he could show me of Cal in the dark. That was followed by a comfortable home that I was given to rest for the night. It was already midnight by then. I had to leave his place by 5:20 a.m. the next morning for my train at 6:00 a.m. But I had to stay up a little longer to make sure I looked nicer for the person for whom I was doing all this. Could not have reached there looking like a mess. I had not found any time to do all that stuff earlier. So by the time I slept it was around 2 a.m.

Subhadip's mom was the sweetest person that morning to give me breakast WITH meetha at that unearthly hour. The taxi ride to the station was much shorter since we only had to cross the Howrah Bridge. THE bridge. I forgot to mention - it was awesome seeing all the movie stuff first hand. Everything from Mumbai taxis to the Howrah bridge. Everything! I now feel that I had a great time doing all that. But that time I was on a mission. So I was plain numb.
The train was on time. I had a window seat. Subhadip confirmed that I had decent people sitting next to me. I was fine. Atul, a friend of S's was also on the train. He was supposed to escort me to my final destination. A couple of SMSs and there he was with a big bouquet of red roses by my seat! It was the highest point of this trip. You have to be Subhadip or Atul or one of the strangers from that compartment of the train to know how wide a smile I had on my face. I really cannot express in words how happy it made me.
The train left the platform, and about 4.5-5 hours later, I was at Jamshedpur. My destination was a little too close from the station for me to be patient any longer. But I behaved myself, and sat in the auto that took us to XL.

I cannot be writing about the three days that I spent there. I don't think I want to. Yes, there is nothing of that I can share.

The train to Kolkata was also at 6:00 a.m. I again had a window seat. I watched him walk away.

I slept on the train, I slept in the taxi, I slept in the lounge at the airport, I slept on the delayed plane, and I slept in a friend's family's home. The next morning I slept on the Volvo from Mumbai. And then I slept through the seminar in college that day. The return journey was just as eventful (or uneventful) as the one while going to Jamshedpur. It didn't go as planned. I was on the streets of Mumbai at night not knowing what I should be doing next. I was on a bus which broke down in the middle of nowhere. I was unsure of things. I was exhaused like hell. And I was running even from the hostel gates to my bathroom to get the much needed bath and be in the auditorium for yet another mandatory seminar.
That week was the most eventful week of my life. Rivers, mountains, the sea, colour, emotions, questions, feelings, the movies, the nights, people, and me. It was overwhelming.

Yesterday I finally paid off the debt I was in for this trip that I made. It's a big relief. Especially because of the funny situation I am in now.

But I am so glad I made this trip. Like some wise people said... sometimes it's more about the journey than the destination. I feel sad that this is the case, because this is not what it was meant to be, but I can only count the things that are mine. Only mine.

Welcome back to Pune

I have been off the internet for more than a week, and it is never really a great feeling to be away from an addiction for that long. The previous post here lay incomplete in my drafts for too long, but I decided to complete it and post it as on a previous date only. The post that was to come up before that also remained a draft, and I am kinda happy that it did not get published. It isn't that great an idea to give you a close access to my insecurities. I'm anyway too public with my life here. :-)

Continuing with the momentum of leading a public - small audience, but public nonetheless - life, here's a list of things that I remember from the past 10 days...

A last day at work.

A good review and feedback for my work.

More than a few fuck-ups at home.

Loads of packing.

A little bit of shopping.

A niice dinner with most of my cousins last Sunday night.

A long train journey back to Pune.

A guy in the 3rd year of his college was travelling with us and I mistook him to be school-going. His sister was 12 years younger than him, and for an entire day they reminded me of my childhood and the equation I shared with bhaiya when I was younger.

Our other fellow travellers were a weightlifter-coach duo who talked of Olympics, national games, world championships, doping, anti-doping, doping, and anti-doping the whole time.

I thought Pune was just as hot as Delhi when it decided to get the rains going and making it pretty chilly in the nights.

The day right after I landed in Pune was a horribly sick day in a while. We had no classes, planned to go to a beach nearby, got on to a bus that would have taken us there, but as luck would have it... we never got to the beach. Had to get off the bus for stupid reasons. The city had some stupid religious procession which killed every normal person's routine. So we walked and walked and walked and WALKED for miles together. The little things every second moment going wrong also have the potential to fuck your mood. They did exactly that. So by the time I got back to campus.. I was pissed, and overwhelmed, and TIRED with lotsa money spent and no productivity.

The rain has been gathering pace with each passing day.

I have had no bloody classes in the last four days and I am annoyed like hell.

I have started watching Sex and the City, and am already through with season 1.

Some people have appreciated my new piercings and my new hairdo, so I am kinda happy about that.

I have no juniors on my floor and that is quite a bummer considering that I was pretty sure that there will be at least a few of them around for some entertainment.
But instead, my new neighbours are even worse than the previous ones. The last ones could not keep their smoke to their room... these ones can't keep their voices to their room. Bloody hell.

Swetha clicked a picture of mine which is serious and nice. I have never had anybody click a picture with both those features in one and really make it look as nice as this one. I'm happy. So it's my new display picture on Facebook. :-)

I think this is pretty much it. The other stuff that I am bothering about is a job that I hope to have in a few months from now. And a hunt for cute boys on campus. Why are some things in life so hard?

Before I forget

An account of what happened last evening has to be registered before I forget the details.

Daksh, my cousin, and I had gone to Old Fort for a shoot last time I was in Delhi. Had had a lot of fun as well. Then, during my second term in college, I saw some pictures he had uploaded on Facebook, which is when we decided that we'd go for another shoot when I am in Delhi during summers. But these engineering students have way too many exams in life which last for way too many weeks. Therefore, by the time we found time to execute our plan, I didn't have much time left. So, on Monday night we decided on a place and figured that we'd have to do it after my work on one of my last few weekdays here. This meant I'd have to run from work to get some decent shots while there's still some daylight left.

Wednesday afternoon: raining like it's monsoons.
Wednesday late afternoon: no signs of the sun.
Wednesday evening: asked to stay back at work a little longer.

And then I ran. Daksh was waiting for me at my place. We had planned to take a trip on the local trains in Delhi. It would have been double fun 'coz neither of us had been on one of those ever before, and of course, for the few pictures we hoped to manage on the same.

We thought of taking the train from Sarojini Nagar towards Rail Museum and beyond, but when we reached the ticket counter, we were informed that the last train on that route had already left. We were a little surprised to hear that 'coz it was still only 7:15 p.m. So we asked the lady if there was any train going in the other direction some time soon. She figured we just wanted a ride on the train. So gave us a ticket from SN to Nizamuddin.

The Sarojini Nagar Station

2 bucks each. We were highly amused to see such a low fare. The minimum fare even on a local bus is 3 bucks. Anyway. We took our ticket and walked the foot-over bridge to the platform on the other side. Waited for a couple of minutes for the train... and there it was!!! I was excited as ever when it comes to trains approaching a platform. I think this last one was an incorrect sentence.

Sadly, the light had dimmed too much for me to get any good shots. Managed just about a handful of so-so frames, and concentrated on enjoying my little ride through the city. :)














We passed by Sewa Nagar, Lajpat Nagar, etc to reach Hazrat Nizamuddin in about 15 minutes, I think. Certainly didn't take more time than that.

Daksh

Uncle on the train

Since Nizamuddin is a big station with long-distance trains going through it, the number of people there were also obviously that many more. I clicked around a bit before we decided to leave. The auto took 41 bucks back to my place. It was hilarious thinking we paid 20 bucks to get to the first station, 4 bucks for our ride, and then a relatively massive 41 to get back. :D

At Nizamuddin Station

An exit that we almost took before deciding to roam about at the station for a little longer


At Nizamuddin Station

Doggu :)

All the stuff (other than Vodafone) that I could not comprehend or read without my glasses

Morning News

Having been on the academic side of things for so long, and having heard of the 'value' of your degrees and qualifications since ages, today I finally saw it first hand. A year into this course, and I re-realise that the darn stamp matters. Sure, it is your performance that takes you ahead, but your qualifying really is the degree. Especially for the few sought-after government jobs which give you the respect, the money, and the security.
So maybe it is not that bad a deal after all.

This deserves a mention

This afternoon I was sitting with a couple of people in the conference room when I could not help but interfere in their conversation. For the context, the youngest amongst us was Siddhant who has just completed first year of college and is also interning there. My guess is he is at least five years younger than me.

So, I'm not your regular movie buff/ avid reader/ passionate listener of music/ or crazy idiot box lover. Therefore, I usually steer clear of conversations about this stuff even though they are all over the place. But I was so bored today that even though I heard them say things like, 'oh, it's so gripping', and 'I've reached episode 16', and so on.. I still asked them what they were talking about. They said: The Mahabharata. To clarify further, I asked if they were talking of some animated version. They proudly pronounced that it was the original, B.R. Chopra version that they were watching. I couldn't help but smile. Actually, I just managed to control a laugh. For once I knew the stuff people were talking about. I spent several Sunday mornings watching that series with family as a kid.
It was really amusing. I never thought a day like this would ever come. Or at least so soon. Same generation as me?!
They were surprised that I knew about the epic. To confirm, Siddhant asked me if I knew who Kunti was. I laughed! It's silly, but I felt so cool sitting with four people who looked at me in the same awe with which they were talking about the series. Teehee!! And of course, I also knew who Nakul and Sehdev were. :D I was almost tempted to tell them what will happen next. (As if it was a thriller movie we were discussing!) I am not sure if you are also finding this funny, but it is pretttty amusing in my head. :)

___


Also for the record, I watched two movies this past weekend. It's almost a feat achieved. One was 'Lost in Translation'. I couldn't figure why it was nominated for awards et al. I just kept thinking of Whose Line Is It Anyway through several scenes.
The other movie I watched was 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. I liked Jim Carrey in it. Other than that, since it is such a talked about movie, I do not have an opinion of it. Another post, another day on that phenomenon.

Wondering...

You are an introvert and claim to be close to me. Would you say you trust me if you cannot talk to me?

A Dedication

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now, but for some reason or the other I kept postponing it. But enough of that.

This one is for Avantika. Or Avan as all those who love her (including me) address her. Known her for 2 years and 3 days now. We can exclude these 3 extra days 'coz anyway I quite disliked her in the beginning. The dislike lasted for a little more than 3 days, but you get the drift, I'm sure.

So we shall talk about the liking only. Or she'll get her mom to beat me up. She uses that weapon as a threat often.

She is one person who loves to talk. And come to think of it, I don't think I have known anyone other than her who loves doing it as much as she does. The talent being that she manages to make sense to quite an extent. Rest of the times I manage to appreciate her sense of humour.

But this also leads to massive phone bills that she pays for. I don't even dare to imagine what those figures would be like. Not that I've not known what paying heavy phone bills is like (please note that there is a difference in making your father pay them and paying up yourself. I have done both. I blew up 90% of my saved salary in that!).

The one on the right

Anyway. Back to her. She also loves cats. (Yea, dogs too, but cats are the real thing for her.) Her own cat is 14 years old. I kept my dislike for cats a secret from her for quite a while. And I still avoid all conversations about cats with her.

The funny bit is that she laughs like a pup. It is hard for me to describe that in a more lucid way, but that is really how she laughs. So if you do not find her jokes funny, you can still laugh with (or at) her.

Her other love is dance. I have seen her do that in a moving car. It's recorded too. I have also seen her do it in the middle of a forest. That's on record as well. And I am sure I am forgetting of occasions when she's done it while walking on the streets. I am also sure that she is thinking of calling me up while reading this to deny the street thing, but you know I won't believe her. So it's ok.

But on a serious note, she is serious about dance. Takes classes to learn n stuff!

She has been around for me through a lottt of shit. I know two years do not seem to be that long a period for me to put that many Ts to that 'lot'. But shit can happen on a daily basis too. It does not have to be a tsunami each time.
She has also confided in me a few times. Which tells me that we are VERY different people with very different priorities in life. But maybe it's just our approach to life which makes us connect.

We have laughed together to madness on several occasions. Mostly over non-sensical jokes. We have also cried for each other at least once. I really cannot get to expressing what seeing her in pain does to me.

You should know - she likes that 'tujh mein rab basta hai' song from Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. I wish I could write about the conversation I had with her after I found out about this. Seriously. WHO likes that song?!
So yea, I am sure you can figure she is quite idealistic about a few things. She thinks I have changed a lot in the last one year as far as being no non-sense and practical about things is concerned. I sometimes wish I could be party to the fancy she takes to a lot of stupid things around, but I can't. So maybe she is right.
She is mostly right about the things she thinks about me. Or believes to be true about me. Or even when she expects my behaviour to be a certain way in a given situation. I'd like to credit that to her ability to gauge it right than to the idea of me being so predictable and easy to figure.

I have to write of her love for purple lest she'd write this post off as being incomplete. I have mentioned this earlier on my blog as well, but for the sake of completion - nobody loves purple more than she does!

Oh, I forgot to mention how I first met her. It was not at WW. And this is something I figured much later. She and I were in the same GD group during MICA's selection process in March 2007. Funnily enough, when we figured this, we just did not remember seeing each other that day. We remembered all the other people from the group. And FYI, she was selected. I wasn't. Her ambitions made her refuse to go there. It is a completely different story that today she is again invited by MICA to join PGPCM, and she is again not going to Shela. Ha!
She will soon be a UP wasi. I know I have never expressed any kind of happiness for her as far as this new thing in her life is concerned. Been rather matter-of-factly about it. But you know what, Avan? You WILL have a good time there. You WILL find people other than the losers you expect to see. And you WILL be happy at the end of your two years there. All this, not because I can predict it, but because I know you. You're not that linear equation. You will never be one. And it's only the linear equations which live life without really living it. So if at any point you think it's not going the right way, think of not letting me down. It won't be a pressure thing. It will plain work. Muah!! :-)

Trivia: After three years of economics, both of us landed with the exact same aggregate too.
Trivia 2: She shares her birthday with my brother.

Silence

A cluttered mind.
Piling up work.
People.
Strange numbness.
New things.
Losses.
Madness.
Time to start packing again.