Work

Engagement. Sustained. Stakeholders. Objective. Public. Critical. Business. Recommend. Growth. Direction. Strategic. Industry. Solutions.

Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client.

Community

I have a special dislike for noise. Of all kinds. Well, I have a special dislike for a variety of smells too (just this morning I realized that I cringe my nose several times a day), but we are talking about noise here. Presence of a number of women in a closed space (which never has ‘normal’ temperature) is a deadly phenomenon. I would have liked to unabashedly stereotype a certain team here and pull their hair out for the kind of noise they make. But there are two teams which drive me bloody crazy. I understand Friday afternoon is a happy time. I really do appreciate it. And I also know that not everyone chooses to be asocial, but what the hell! How do people who are trying to work (or pretending to work) become invisible to these women! Amongst these are also those whose mornings are startlingly cheerful. Mornings. All mornings. Every single morning from Monday to Friday. Did I mention the my-words-can-ring-through-your-ears-to-your-brain-and-kill-the-cells-that-detect-sound kind of voices! And I wonder how these same women become bitches when their work isn’t getting done because of external factors. They make noise when they are happy. They make even more noise when they are cribbing. They are annoying with a big fat capital A.

The giggly kind of loud for another day. Those are pure bitches of a far more evil kind. 

Of course I do not belong to any of these communities. 

Elusive

It was an odd day. I woke up with the same thoughts that I had gone to sleep with last night. I kept thinking about it. And then I lost the battle. It was not a nice feeling. I know losing universally makes people feel bad. And I have lost similar battles earlier as well. But I had got used to the control over the past few months. It's easy to get used to good things.

This afternoon saw heavy rain and thunderstorm. My anxiety rose. I think I almost cried. But there was a meeting to attend. Wait, while we're at it, and since this is my territory, I need someone to stop these rains. Or I will scream!

I got busy and distracted until I received that email. I was not expecting it. I was not ready for any of this. I know it isn't even a big deal and my mind is overplaying it. But I cannot handle this kind of uneasiness anymore. Maybe I have myself to blame. Already. Or maybe I could blame the circumstances. I do want to put the blame somewhere and erase it all off my mind. It is not worth any more discussions. It is not to be. 

I want my peace back. I was not up for trading that. 

Memories, old fragrances, and hot tears.

Dost Log

Robin is in town, and I went with him, Swetha, and Vrinda to Cafe Morrison last night. Through my clogged nose and blocked ears, I screech-ily enjoyed the place and the company. I wondered why I had not visited the place before. I wondered why we do not spend more time together. Actually I know why I never visited the place before. I was under the impression that it would be a smoke-filled, beer and rock place. Nothing except the rock part turned out to be true. And I am going to go back there! 

Avan and Lynn were the nicest, most thoughtful people this birthday. While Avan planned everything (from Bombay!) till the icing on the cake of a surprise party, Lynn ensured that the plan got executed without any glitch whatsoever. I was touched, and have just not had the words to write how I feel about it. 

Things are finally looking up for Varun and I am relieved and very happy with the developments. Now just keeping fingers crossed.

It's been a social few weeks. This weekend could go either way.

Of Infections, Weaknesses, and Addictions

I have been all over the place today. This business of having less work is extremely unproductive even if for a day. I don’t know where I got a cold from again. I am deeply annoyed. Few things can beat being on good terms with seniors. My manager went on a long leave yesterday and gave me a pack of Starbucks to enjoy. Of course, it was just lying in her drawer, but even so. She could have chosen to take it home. :D Oh yes, I have started having coffee lately. I always feel like going out and meeting people on days when I get off work early. Today when I do have a plan which I was excited about, I only feel like going home and sleeping. I want to sleep for 24 hours, if not less. The loop paid a visit today. Hate that bitch! Hate this cold too! I got a lot of flowers on my birthday. They made me happy. Now they are dead. I want more flowers. I want to roll in flowers. Just like I wanted to lie in those marigold fields in Kerala! Kerala was so blissful. Why can I not get more of it. Why is life not a paid holiday. I want to visit a desert now. Cold or hot, does not matter. Just some expanse which I can lose myself in. I don’t like this ‘control’ nonsense. We should just let everything flow. Actually, both have their advantages. Letting it flow makes me happy, and being in control gives a sense of balance. But letting it flow makes me miserable too. Can I please be selective about it? Keep the happiness, that is. Ha.

Times

It was an ordinary morning, until 10:45 am when my boss came out and mentioned the blast at Delhi High Court. The next, what, 90 seconds were filled with anxiety. Mom told me she was in office, not at the court, and that was the end of the tragedy for me. We talked about it in office, watched some news, and got about the routine things of an ordinary day.

Shopping was on my mind for the past few days, so after work I set out to the malls closer to home. Apparently security concerns disrupted metro operations in the evening and my family got to know about it. I did not experience it. As my family worried and called, I hopped from one store to the other getting my card swiped left, right and centre.

At night, I was thinking of writing about the shopping experience in detail, but a phone call from a friend took over. We were discussing some nonsensical topic when the world shook. I have bad reflexes (which is why I don’t panic too easily) and it took almost the entire 5-6 seconds of the earthquake for me to realise what happened. Brother and missus were hyper. The next 15 minutes were slightly disturbed and excited. And then we got about the routine things of an ordinary night.

I was discussing with a colleague how these episodes mean little to those of us who have been fortunate enough to be safe so far. But thinking about the close escapes, or even the times when there was no information available, still gives me the jitters. Particularly the Delhi blasts of 2008 when I was in Pune and I could not get in touch with family and friends. I could not breathe. I still remember that Tarun was the last one I managed to talk to that night. Him, I panicked about because getting through took the longest. It was creepy.

This morning when I entered office I thought to myself how my mornings are now incomplete without the three coloured papers. But by the time I was done with all the papers that I browse through, I was feeling sick in the pit of my stomach. The blast’s reports were upsetting.

We are literally sitting on a ticking time bomb. We choose to not bother because we have a lot of other things to bother about. We choose to not bother because perhaps there is little we can do about it. Feels like such a bloody handicap!

And it is another ordinary day with routine things to care about.

Windy

As I sit and rewrite about the who’s-who of industry associations in India, all I can feel is air getting sucked out of my stomach. There are also the clouds roaring outside. The sky seems awfully bright for that kind of weather.

___

I have loved you from my heart and hated from even deeper inside, but your suffering has always made me uncomfortable. I know you do not need me or want me to do anything for you, but I truly wish you find peace again. I hated your face, but I guess I was unknowingly happy to know that you were happy.
___

It was an odd night. There was no pretence. But being in the moment, and only in the moment, has never done me any good. Maybe I should retract. But how come it is a struggle already.

A Review

My 25 things-to-do list from last birthday...

1. Of course, get that job! - Check! I think I am in the right place.

2. Get the knee fixed - Check! We're almost fixed. 

3. Visit the Taj Mahal - Check! 

4. Make one long trip to the Himalayas - Check! It was brilliant!!

5. Make another long trip to Rajasthan in the winters - Still on the list. Maybe this year.

6. Buy a car - Changed my mind.

7. Help Mom redo the house - She doesn't listen!

8. Pick up a new hobby - Err... no new hobby. 

9. Learn a new language, Spanish maybe - I took exactly four lessons. 

10. Catch one of Ustad Zakir Hussain's concerts - Check! It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!

11. Find an occasion to wear that black dress - It's still in the cupboard. :-/

12. Burn up the past for good - Well, cannot claim to have burnt it. But I have locked it up. 

13. Clear my debt - Check! 

14. Actively participate in at least one initiative of Blank Noise's - Unfortunately didn't.

15. Invest in silk, silver, and a lot of white! :D - White count of my cupboard has reached an embarrassing number. :D

16. Try quitting consumption of bread - I quit for a short period, and now just consume lesser than I did last year. 

17. Try about three different hairdos - Done, of course. 

18. Make the line clearer - It is clearer than it ever was. 

19. Get a hot new frame for my spectacles too - I do think the current ones are hot.

20. Barring that dress, get rid of all black coloured things in my life - I'm almost there.

21. Cut down on unnecessary loyalties - Taken care of.

22. Spend less time online - Work does ensure that I spend less time online.

23. Start reading again - Err... I blame the two books that I tried restarting with.

24. Take dance classes - I think I will do it this year. 

25. Let it be. - Letting it be. 

That is a good score. Thank you, life. You have been kind.