Pause

I don’t know what’s going on. Just the other day I was feeling completely tired of being on my own and all I wanted was company.

Today, I feel like I spend all my time either with people or thinking about people. 

Reality is, current affairs have completely taken over my life. It’s no joke that I borrowed the concept of ‘life admin’ and started an Excel workbook with that name. Every time I have a quiet moment I feel like I am missing something and go back to that workbook to find something that needs to be addressed. 

When I am not managing life admin, I am busy talking to family and friends about it. 

And when I am not doing any of the above, I am thinking ‘fat brides are ugly brides’. Am I doing anything about it? No. I just let pain continue to control my life.

I just completed a year in a foreign country and returned home to the old life. And I have been at a loss of words about how I feel. People have framed the question in various ways, but I don’t seem to have anything substantive to say. 

The life there? It was convenient and quiet. I liked that. I can never get used to cars honking. 

The people there? Some were warm, some I didn’t get along with, and some whose faces said they hated my presence. Many that I couldn’t relate to. Coming back to people who I can take at face value is comforting. And I don’t mind having that even if it seems boring to some.

What has come up in a few recent conversations is the idea of ‘suspended reality’. Admittedly, it is not mine, but it completely defines the past year for me. More so now that I have come back to the same house, same streets, same office, same routine, darn – even the same seat in office as I had earlier. It almost feels like I never left. So, the effort now is towards making sure I don’t lose the value add of the past year in the familiarity that surrounds me today. 

It’s hard to openly say that the primary reason why I uprooted myself ended up leading to no excitement for the most part. There are a number of factors that influenced that, but reality is that my first day back in the old world was the most interesting I’d had in a very long time. 

Yes, I know most things do not excite me anyway, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily need to feel like a drag. 

The wedding prep is getting tiring even before it’s really begun. I think there has just been too much time spent on thinking about things and I’m running out of steam now that it’s time to actually do it. I wish these decisions weren’t so hard to make. They shouldn’t be. 

In other news, the fiancé-husband made Feb 14th special for me while my letters to him got lost somewhere in the Atlantic.