On a bad day

It’s one of those days when I hate most things and most people around me. Yes, that’s an ugly photo, an uninteresting story, unwarranted criticism, misplaced attitude, blah! Blame it on unwanted insomnia. 

The only image that feels good is that of vast, open spaces with bright colours. Alas, I cannot plan a trip yet. Do you know how it feels to go two months without planning one when you actually average a trip every six weeks?

The only sound that I have interest in is his voice. Thank you, dear tele-services providers and internet. I know you do your best to make the 4000 miles feel as less as you can.

I am craving for some good Chinese food. Honestly, I can never get enough of it. But yes, it would have been nice to have something interesting for dinner than sit alone at home and stare at the office laptop.

Highlight of the day: the new hairdo had a special moment where it was doing things that made people ask me if it's straight out of a salon. Worth the bomb I paid for it? I think so. :D 

Actually the real highlight of the day is supposed to be a secret. :D :D

Going old school

....as I begin a new chapter.

Choices

Some massive decisions are through. Probably the ones likely to have the biggest impact on my career. I hope I have not made a mistake. I wish I had a crystal ball that made things easier. Whoever said real life is easy! 

Today I broke a piece of my own heart. I never expected to face such a day.  

Packing my flimsy little world now.

For Life!

She thinks I am twisted and unpredictable. She has been clearer about what’s good for me and what’s not far more than I ever have. But just like me, she is not so great at managing her own shit. Enter Baiju Hindocha.

I first heard his name and saw his picture in early 2010 when the two of them went to Mexico for an MBA exchange program. My earliest memories include thinking he’s cute and listening to him talk in the background while she and I skyped about some inconsequential things like pretty beaches of Cancun and unemployment all at the same time. 

A few months passed before I was formally told that whatever was going on kinda had a meaning to it. I knew it was never going to be meaningless. That’s not her shit. And he knew that well.

I do not remember anything from my first meeting with him, except that she was totally smitten. A few months later, she and I had an argument which he seemed to read better than she did. That’s when I first took him seriously. 

Months passed, I heard a lot about IMT parties and events and placements and more drama and how none of it apparently bothered him much. It was impressive. 

He is one of the rare few people, or perhaps the only one, who is not in my immediate circle of friends and yet I have an alcoholic bond with. Yes, that’s a type. We downed a few drinks together on her 24th birthday and that’s when I finally loosened up and accepted him. 

Through these years, I have seen him hold her hand through the craziest of times and never once frown about anything being said or done around him. I have to admit, he is pretty awesome!

When it was my time and responsibility to ensure she looked at things sensibly, I did my best. Y’know, I am pretty awesome too!

So finally after a WHOLE lot of drama, they got engaged in the summer of 2013. I planned so much for that occasion that I just missed it. Just like that. 

But I was not going to miss this shaadi. I was almost living in her house for those three days. Yes, when the cats start hanging by your clothes, you are pretty much an occupant of the Kapoor House. In other words, every member of that house welcomed me as someone more than a guest – more than a friend of the bride. I LOVED running up and down to facilitate the chooda process, I loved being the first one in for her mehendi evening, I loved being the last one to get mehendi on my hands, I loved it that her mom expected me to take care of some things. My muscles ached from all the dancing to the dhol, but I loved every moment of it, including the slight awkwardness. 

I thought she looked gorgeous that day. My camera and the new lens agreed. I was very happy and satisfied.

More muscle ache looking for a stupid photocopier in an unknown place for 60 minutes just so I could take a print of her speech, forgetting that printout at home, having five glasses of wine, shedding tears of happiness for a second consecutive night, posing like crazy at the photo booth, telling her sister-in-law of my very own Gujju romantic interest (hic!), and talking endlessly while Lynn drove me back home was that awesome cocktail night at a super pretty rooftop venue. I ate something that I loved but have no recollection of. Show me the menu again, someone!

With a horrible hangover and crazy shit going on in office, I focused on her haldi and tried getting some more pretty pictures. I was loving it!

It meant a lot to me that she asked me to be with her while she got dressed for her big day. She had earlier told me that she considers me to be her sister. I had cried then. Through all this she treated me like a sister. It overwhelmed me. But it was so exciting watching her transform into this stunningly beautiful bride. The folks there did something to my hair and I looked half-decent too. :P

She is the only bride I know of who made fun of herself on the wedding night. You really had to be there to witness the madness that that hour was.

I wish I had stayed for the pheras. When she formally signed up with him for life. I wish I had stayed, not so much to see her happy, but to see how he expressed what he felt. 

I haven’t seen them since. Soon, at the pending photo shoot, I hope.

Here’s wishing them not just a happy new year, but a lifetime of togetherness through the real shit that will begin now. I am sure she will struggle, but I am surer that they will sail through. 

With all my heart and a lot of love,

Richa

And it's a wrap!

But there still was a lot that I managed to do this year. 

# I climbed 13,500 feet of a mountain topped with snow. Can I write this in all caps? No big deal, I know. But it is a personal achievement. Massive.

# I experienced the magic of Ladakh. Pure love. 

# I got to watch Zakir Hussain, live, again. The man is magic.

# Attended my first 7.30 am south Indian wedding

# Accepted to face an issue and sought help

# Almost drowned

# Sneaked out of home one night for the first time

# Dealt with dad’s illness

# Voted for change

# Saw the white desert

# AGAIN did not see through the process of getting my driver’s license

# Did far fewer stupid things

# Stayed in a house boat

# Met a stranger for chai and realised there are others who are struggling more

# Struck a conversation with another stranger only to realise it is very hard to get someone to know me now

# Saw Bombay from the 35th floor of a Nariman Point building

# Had people send me flowers from beyond international borders

# Participated in a theatre workshop

# Tried very hard to find a new job

# Lost sleep

# Lost another person who I thought was a close friend 

# Joined a dating platform only to find every other interesting person uninteresting

# Danced a choreographed dance

# Attended exactly one month of salsa lessons

# Hard work in office got acknowledged 

# Fell in love with Harvey Specter

# Got closure

# Watched Suvvir grow into a monster baby

# Wanted to marry, was asked for marriage for wrong reasons, watched some great people come together in marriage, saw some close people’s marriages fall apart

# Bought a new lens

# Experienced massive lows at work

# Continued to struggle on the health front

# Bought and wore a lot of bling clothes

# Significant cut-down of alcohol also happened this year

# Rode an elephant after more than a decade

2014 is expected to bring newness. I honestly do not know if this blog will see through its eighth year, but I do hope it does. 

Another Year

End of last year, I felt I don't know what to expect from 2013. At all. It felt like I am approaching a blind turn. But I did not know if I should be slowing down.

I did not slow down. But I waited for things to change. I became the person who is too anxious about the future to live in the moment. Everyday decisions became a factor of unknown variables of the future. I never thought I would be this person, but I am. And today, I am aware of likely events of the future which will bring big change. But because nothing is certain as yet, I am just sitting and cracking my knuckles. Growing up, among other things, has made me more cautious and boring. 

Moment of doubt

How do you deal with the world on the day that you realise you are no longer the person you have been all your life?

And I Wonder

For a few years now, I have related well with the phrase, “let it flow”. Sometimes I have tried to resist that flow, but on most occasions I have drifted along. Because I don’t think it is a matter of choice. Life has taken its own course. 

But these days I feel differently. I am hanging by threads that could snap any moment. I have no idea which ones to hold on to. I am not sure what choices to make. I am afraid I would fall. Again.

That state of mind

I miss it.

Holding Post

Uncertainty still looms. I continue to feel anxious. But there is a little more confidence, a little more security. 

That Happy Feeling

I do not know why, but I always feel the need to explain my absence from this space. Not today. Today, I am feeling light and happy. And I am focusing on only that. Through the day, I have felt productive, active, attractive, happy, satisfied, intelligent, and reassured that not all is blah. Yes, that painfully petty word that I tend to use all the time. This day, was not blah. It was bright and cheerful.