A Decade

Ten years ago, I unwillingly took a step which steered the course of my life in almost its entirety. I decided to pursue a master’s programme from Symbiosis, which, in theory, was a step back after having spent the previous three years at a far more prestigious institution in Delhi. From an academic perspective, the two years at Symbiosis were a sham and shame. If I could offer any advice to those running that programme, I’d restructure and redesign every element of it. Nonetheless, the time there was packed with several other elements which are hard to ignore even today.

1. I learned I am capable of being severely self-destructive. 

My environment festered a series of negative experiences which pushed me to one of the lowest points of existence I have experienced so far. And I saw how I perpetuated my situation and circumstances instead of lifting my head above water. Ten years on, I can’t confidently say that I have overcome that behavioural tendency, but an acute awareness of it makes me somewhat control it to an extent. 

2. I was exposed to sexuality, the different facets of it, and the normality of it all. 

When I moved to London in 2015 and met the people that I did, I realised that my assumptions about ‘normal’ were not universal. People who had seemingly similar backgrounds as I had views that I found jarring and at times, appalling.

3. I took very long to appreciate the diversity of people around me.

In retrospect, even a passive existence in that atmosphere widened my perspective a great deal. People around me weren’t all type As (natural, forced or pretentious) running after the same thing. I was surrounded by the flaky, the fickle; the straight shooters, the obnoxious; the driven, the creative; and many other types. And it took a few years for me to, firstly, be patient about it, and secondly, appreciate the importance of it. 

4. I made friends for life. 

I dreaded the idea of being surrounded by people 24x7, and struggled when I had to choose between playing along and decompressing (or isolating myself). But despite that and the many differences, I managed to find people who I can confidently trust to remain in the inner circle. It was the first time I was as comfortable as I was with people (even if a select few) and certainly the first time when intellectual or cultural backgrounds and differences didn’t come in the way. In fact, during those years I also got closer to a friend from before, and I am thankful for her reckless use of her cell phone at the time.

5. I started travelling. 

I come from a typical, middle class, conservative family where both parents had full time jobs, ie, they neither had the time to take me on holidays, nor did they have any interest in letting me go on my own. Until I was forced to be 1500 kms away from them. It started with a short trip to the Ajanta and Ellora caves. And there’s been no looking back. The opportunity and ability to travel saved my sanity when I had nothing else to look forward to in life. And it gave me experiences that have ranged from soul-stirring to outright fun.  

6. I appreciated life outside Delhi. 

I was obsessed about Delhi then and until much later. Then I started living in a place which, in stark contrast to my life in Delhi, had no facilities except an en-suite bathroom for luxury. From minor comforts to being surrounded by nature to realising that albeit normalised, certain behaviours and cultures are not normal. 

7. I experienced a life of struggle.

I brought it upon myself. My ambitions, personal desires and decisions were completely out of sync, and I was looking down a rabbit hole with no ability to sort myself out or seek help. That dragged on for a few years before making any sense whatsoever. Now, 8-10 years later, from a somewhat objective vantage point, I still think that the struggle was intense and the overcoming of it, real.

If it wasn’t for that decision, I’d have probably picked a boring career that paid more. I’d have met a different set of people, experienced time and places in a different context and perhaps had a different set of reflections at this stage. It’s been a rich decade nonetheless and I am at that terrifying juncture beyond which I never envisioned what life might be like. Let’s see where it goes.